Liz’s friend:  “What word are you?”  Liz:  “Hmm…started off as daughter. Was pretty good at that. Wife…not so good at that. Girlfriend…not so good.”  Friend:  “Maybe you are a woman in search of a word…”  ~ Eat Pray Love ♥ ~

I do believe I am in search of my word.  In the movie Liz suggested “writer” as her own and her friend said “That is what you do; it is not who you are.”  My own mind mimics that wanting to say “nurse” or “caregiver” because it is what I love and it feels like a part of me to put my hands and words on injured or failing bodies and souls and try to help somehow but I am rarely able to practice that as my work now.  Taking care of my children or of my patients feels as if it gives me purpose and something I am known to be capable and even skilled at doing.  There is also the predicament that my skills of lifting the spirits of others were much more efficacious when God was wrapped around my life as a silken cocoon of protection before I allowed a rip of denigration to assault His guardianship.  The resulting flock of moths that swarmed the opening and drowned out the light have never retreated, thus weakening my ability to render the cultivation of the aforementioned gift.  I often find myself wanting to reach out to soothe and end up in a self-wounding battle of alternating self-loathing and self-pity.  These are things which I know lack nobility, humility and honor but which seem to circle in an ever-present, exhausting tidal wave of emotion.

These words, however, would still be a title for “what I do” and not “who I am”.  So I am, indeed, a woman in search of my own word.  It should be a word which tells me who I am and what I mean or what I am to contribute to this world.  It should be a word that defines my being so acutely that I no longer allow anyone to swathe me with their own elucidation.  It should be a word that thwarts my own unwanted desire to allow anyone else to be or choose my word for me.  Notice I did not say “It should be a word that tells OTHERS…”; others would not need to know my word because they will be able to sense who I am based on the fruits of my labor and perhaps even by my existence in the circle of my life that overlaps with the circle of their own.  Possession and knowledge of such a powerful tool as a character-encompassing idiom could breathe new life into my life.  I feel that I need a word, one word, all my own to remind me that I do not need any other titles to define me.   But does such a word even exist?

The realizations strikes me suddenly, like the comedic hand-slap to the head of a stooge, that trying to find one’s “word” sounds as if attempting to allow only one description for a multitude of characteristics.  I am aware that one person can “be” many things to many people.  It is not my attributes that I wish to entitle but my purpose.  I grasp the idea that there is no single word that is capable of explaining to another that which demonstrates an overall encirclement of my personality and being.  I simply seek this word as a foundation on which to build my own understanding of who I am.  I can represent different words to different people but knowing which one I represent to myself is paramount in seeking to slay the dragons of past failures and defend my fortress from future blitzkrieg.  Each antecedent onslaught has come in such a lightning-fast manner that I felt unprepared to protect my own walls and thus their bricks dropped miserably around me in forgotten rag-doll fashion and have since disintegrated into clouds of choking dust.  Knowing my “word”, in my mind, is the epitome of raising a forcefield around one’s encampment.  Once I know who I am, I will no longer feel I need the approval and recognition of others in order to merely survive.  Instead I will not only survive but LIVE as who I am and not what others expect me to be.  And yet again I am forced to inquire as to whether such a word exists that can provide all of these protections.

So today I begin my quest.  The territory may often seem uncharted and the forests dark and unwelcoming.  The people oft appear villainous but some are indeed utilitarian and will help at the cost of their own sacrifice of time and efforts for the betterment of the kingdom.  I shall go on to seek my personal holy grail and do not intend to cease searching until I find the verbal accoutrement that will allow me to map my life’s path in years to come.

Who am I?  I am now a woman in search of a word.