May 16th, 2023

Being an experienced critical care nurse and being completely unable to save someone you love, your person, your own heartbeat, is a whole new level of pain. I’d have twenty kidney stones back to back if he could be here to walk me through it again instead of living through what happened to him with me being useless at his bedside.

This isn’t a call for sympathy; I just saw someone else express the same agony this morning and I want you to know that, although everyone will tell you there was absolutely nothing else you could have done (and I know there wasn’t anything because I was playing on someone else’s home field and had no control) if you still feel the gut-wrenching guilt just because of what you know from your training and career, you are not alone and you aren’t crazy for not being able to dismiss it.

I should probably give trigger warnings on my posts for awhile because writing is what helps me clear my head; it always has been. And when I write and share it, usually here and/on FB, it is somehow cathartic for me because I know that we all feel alone in this world sometimes but we’re all the same in so many ways. There are others like me, like you, out there who have the same hurts you do and sometimes it just helps to know that. So I share for myself, the release of it, as well as for others to know they aren’t the only ones struggling. We do not struggle alone.

My mantra during the most painful time of my life before now, that I had no idea was only a drop in the bucket, was one of two things: “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” or “Jesus, I trust you” over and over again. And so it is again. And He is sufficient, as much as it doesn’t feel like it right now. I can’t trust my feelings but I can trust in Him.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9

I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: So shall I be saved from mine enemies. Psalm 18:3

The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and they are safe.
Proverbs 18:10

Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved. Romans 10:13

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 14:27