May 23, 2023

Today has been hard. Funerals are hard but this…a whole different level.

I want to make something clear, though. I don’t grieve for Scott. I have no doubt that he is living the good life where he is now. I grieve for myself, for the future we had planned together. I grieve the loss of my very best friend in the world, for the person I wanted to be beside me all the time. For the man that he was and what that meant in my life.

Many who knew us may have wondered why we rarely did double dates or ever went on girls trips or guys trips separately. We both love other people, lots of them. But we were so content just being together. We were peas in a pod, peanut butter and jelly (or marshmallow cream, since Scott loved Fluffernutter sandwiches). We knew ten years ago what we had found in each other and didn’t want to miss out. When we were separated by Scott’s travel assignments, we talked a minimum of twice a day, usually several hours at night or off and on ALL day on the days he was off. We counted down the days to when I could go be with him for a week. Or when he could come home to see us.

And we did spend quite a bit of time physically away from each other, but that is because Scott had big dreams and plans for our future, for the time when we would be retired together. He didn’t want me to work anymore and he wanted us to be able to enjoy it together when it was time. We always thought there would be time. I grieve the loss of that time. Those plans.

I don’t regret those times now. Of course I wish we had more time, but being a provider and protector, both of which he was wonderful at, made Scott happy. He felt better about himself when he knew I was taken care of, even if that meant trimming the bushes I wanted done in our yard, bathing the dog, or helping with dishes. I told him once that, when he sat in the living room watching TV while I was cooking supper, I’d rather him come sit on a stool in there and talk to me. He never watched TV during my cooking again until he got hurt. He said he felt the same but didn’t want me to feel like he was hovering.

He spoiled me to no end. I tried to spoil him, too, in different ways. We had different love languages and yet figured out how to make the other feel special. I always felt like I didn’t deserve him and he always felt the same about me. We both always wanted to make sure that the other felt loved and appreciated. I think that says something about a relationship. Neither thinks they are higher than the other, both thinking their person makes them a better woman/man. And he definitely made me better.

So, I don’t grieve for him. I do grieve the way he went but he’s not there anymore. I’m just sad that I’m here trying to pick up the pieces and find a way to make just enough of them fit to make it to glory myself.

So, today was sad, but not for Scott. Scott’s somewhere on the outskirts of Heaven, waiting for me to get there. Then we really do get forever.