May 28th, 2023

Do not feel worried about me. I appreciate it and I’m thankful to have so, so many people who care for and love me. I am alright. I’m not having the time of my life right now but I will be okay at some point.

The things is, secrets die in the light but are dangerous in the dark. I have hidden grief and pain, tried to keep it to myself, to keep from making others uncomfortable before and it 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴 turn into a monster. And that monster will eat you from the inside out. Ravenously.

Perhaps I could just keep these writings for myself, but I won’t. Why? Because maybe someone else who is grieving a huge loss is reading and now knowing they’re not the only one who feels this deeply pierced by it. Or maybe someone who is trying to support someone else who has experienced such loss is reading and will suddenly understand what that person is really feeling, that they’re trying hard to keep inside, in the dark. Maybe you’re looking at someone, never having gone through such a deep loss before yourself, and thinking “it seems like they should be over this by now; gotta keep on living…chin up, buttercup” but now you’ll realize how paralyzing it can be, how utterly shattering.

I’m beginning counseling soon, waiting for my appointment date to arrive. I am seeking help with the anger, the pain, the sorrow, the grief. I’m reaching out this time because I didn’t before and it nearly killed me. I’m talking to a select few people because I really don’t want to keep telling the story over and over and over. And I don’t want to talk about it often because it hurts. I want to talk about him. About who he was and how he changed lives and how he loved me and how he was silly and goofy and funny sometimes but serious about so many other things. I want to do whatever it takes to withdraw from this place of despair and rise into a place of comfort, happy memories, and purpose.

But for now, I will write. ✍🏻