June 13th, 2023

So, today was not a terrible day. I hesitate to say there are “good” days because, although I know there will somehow be good days again one day, my “good” days don’t quantify in the same way others would, I’m sure. Mine are more like, “It wasn’t a really bad day so that means it must have been a “good” day.” It was a “good day for me, for this time in my life.” And that’s enough.

I didn’t leave the house except to go walk at the SportsPlex. I did 2 laps today and was headed into a third when I got a call saying “Can Lillian and I come over?” And I needed to be there before they could get there so I hightailed it back to my car. You don’t say no to the best part of your day. 💗

I got home and took a quick shower before my kiddos arrived. They stayed for a couple of hours and then I did some probate paperwork and sent that in. (Side note: I don’t care if you’re 25, write a will; you can always adjust it later as life brings changes and you will have the choice of who receives your belongings, not the State.) Then I rested a bit and got up off the couch to do some more 15 minute “hot spots” in my house. You know, the surfaces that seems to be magnets for clutter to convene and stay awhile. I work on something for fifteen minutes and then I try to do something else for a little while so that it doesn’t seem overwhelming. I know that when the house is back in order, I’ll feel a little more calm, a little more peace.

As I clear these areas and find proper spaces for things, I come across quite a few things that are surrounded by memories of Scott. It’s been over a month and I still find it hard to believe this is forever…that it’s real. Sometimes I laugh a little. Sometimes I cry a little. And sometimes I just try to keep working, finish my fifteen minutes.

Life is a little like that. Sometimes we laugh. Sometimes we cry. And sometimes we just want to get on through to the next part. We could be missing a lesson or a blessing by rushing through to the next part.

The days don’t pass very quickly right now so I don’t feel like I’m swiftly sailing past anything at all but, maybe in my fog and in my focusing on just getting through it, I’m not getting something I am going to need to learn from this. I feel like the only real thing I can learn in this scenario is how to walk with someone else through it. And how to lean on God in it.

So, in addition to my 15 minute clean ups next time, I’m going to add in some 15 minute meditations times. I would say prayer times, and I try, but prayer words still just aren’t coming easily. It’s a focus and concentration thing. I don’t know; since I seem to be able to write but not put things into words audibly, I may need to start prayer journaling. Maybe I can get my words 𝘵𝘰 𝘎𝘰𝘥 to come out in a sensible manner that way. A beautiful friend reminded me, though, that I don’t need to be able to actually come up with words to pray because I have a built-in intercessor named Holy Spirit.

I think that finding a way to commune with God in times when it is difficult to even concentrate is important. Some people have prayer closets or war rooms. Some sing in the shower or read in the bed. It doesn’t matter how but that you are taking the time to try to connect to your power source (speaking to myself here.) If your battery is not plugged in, it can’t charge for when it’s not connected to power source the next time.

My counselor gave me an “assignment” to listen to at least thirty minutes of praise and worship music per day. Normally this would be easy but right now, it has its harder days, too. (See yesterday.) The fact that I’m goal oriented means that I’m going to hit that mark every day so that’s a good thing. For tonight, my spiritual batteries are charged and I’m ready to charge up the physical ones for tomorrow.

Father God, may my angels surround me as I wake tomorrow and fight off spirits of darkness, anxiety, and despair throughout the day. Tomorrow will be another “good day,” in Jesus’ name. Amen.