June 28th, 2023

𝘈𝘯𝘨𝘳𝘺 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘮. 𝘈𝘯𝘨𝘳𝘺 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥. 𝘈𝘯𝘨𝘳𝘺 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘶𝘯𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭. 𝘈𝘯𝘨𝘳𝘺 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦.

Today is this kind of day.

I’m angry. Not angry AT God but angry because this is the way that it is.

Anger is like a drug. When you’re at the peak, you kind of feel a little better for awhile. Raging over something detracts your attention from the primary emotion you’re feeling, just like drugs soothe the pain at the forefront of every thought process when you’re hurting. The sad seems like it fades just a little bit. But when the drug wears off…that’s when you hit a period of time where you feel worse than before even taking it; the anger doesn’t leave but retreats to the background, the heartbreak pours over you tenfold.

Fortunately, I know that God is bigger than my anger and all of my emotions. I don’t have to try hiding it from Him. Shame, fury, disappointment, fear, sorrow…He can handle them all.

I can rail on about anything and not expect anger back, not expect disappointment, because He created our emotions. Granted, there are a few I wish He had left out but they are what make us human.

I am not my emotions. They don’t define me and they do not control me. I do go through periods of time when they seem to have me in a chokehold (case in point: today) but I trust and believe that my God is bigger than any and all of them at once. When I choose to praise, even if it is angry-sounding, brutally raw praise, He hears me and honors that with relief. It may be a complete, unexplainable peace or it may be small little increments of lessening of the overwhelming part, but He is faithful.

Even in my brokenness, especially in my brokenness, He hears me and there is always a response if I’m seeking Him in what I do. I hope I always have the strength to seek Him, even when I don’t feel like I do. I hope you do, too.