June 12th, 2023

If the mountain seems too big today, then climb a hill instead.

Today is an anthill kind of day. Not even the big kind with a huge underground network. A tiny one. Or a molehill.

I need to wash my hair today. But I’m not going to do it. I need to move furniture back to how it was before people started coming to give condolences about my husband. Not doing that either. I need to…I need to…I need to…to scream, but to do it somewhere that won’t cause the neighbors to call 9-1-1.

I need answers. I need peace. I need things to slow down and speed up at precisely the same time. I need…I need…I need…I need my husband back.

I almost didn’t even bother getting out of bed today but I had a counseling appointment. Thank goodness it was Telehealth and COVID taught us how to pretend to be dressed while online. Then I did do the dishes in the sink. I did tidy up the bathroom counters. I did clear away clutter from the sofa table. And then I quit, exhausted. I q-u-i-t, QUIT.

If only he’d come back, I’d clean every room, every corner, every baseboard, every nook & cranny. If only…If only…If only…

Ah, so there you are, dark, Bargaining stage of grief. What would I give up if someone could bring him back home to me? You drive a hard bargain but I’d give up anything, anything at all. I can even think of a few people I’d trade you but the worth won’t be the same as what you’d be returning to me…you could have them anyway, though, if you want…

Oops…yes, now you’ve seen it. Ugly. I don’t like Ugly. God doesn’t like Ugly. But Ugly and Angry usually show up together, often after Bargaining gives a flat-out NO on any very reasonable swaps. Angry is a real character and he appears to have a conjoined twin, attached at the hip, Ugly. Because hurt people hurt people, right?

And so, on these days, I stay alone. Angry and Ugly are typically teamed up with a whole entourage of Why’s and a gaggle of How Could’s. When all of them are together, boy, are they the perfect storm. You can scarcely breathe while being sucked into the tornadoes that spin in and out of this enormous gale. Time to batten down the hatches. Board up the windows. Sandbag the doors. Hole up in the basement, where they can’t reach you.

This is just another part of it, folks…the Grief. Not a pretty part, mind you. I don’t tell you this to excuse my awful attitude. I’m telling you so that, if you run into this storm one day after mine has passed, you can call me and I’ll either stay away or come hide in the basement with you (your choice.) But you aren’t in trouble for the fact that Ugly got a hold of you. She’s a ferocious, evil beast. (Pretty sure I’ve met her, personified, before…oh, no… See? There she is again. Ugly. Hateful thing, isn’t she?)

Listen, God made me human. He made me in His image but my emotions didn’t follow suit. I have to force myself to turn on the praise & worship music right in the middle of these stormy days. I don’t want to…I don’t want to…I don’t want to…so there.

But being a follower of Christ takes discipline. It means even when you want to slam the door and stick your tongue out, you don’t. Because it’s disrespectful. So, I turn the music on…it can just play in the background. It’s on but I don’t have to listen….

And there it is. I’m not actively listening but it is actively seeking me. “You’re a good, good Father. It’s who You are. It’s who You are. It’s who you are. And I am loved by you. It’s who I am. It’s who I am. It’s who I am. And You are perfect in all of Your ways…”

My mind (or Angry & Ugly tousling around up there) wants to scream “NONE OF THIS IS PERFECT! NONE OF IT! It wasn’t supposed to be like this! WHY???”

…”because You are perfect in all of Your ways. Lord, You are perfect in all of Your ways. Yes, You are perfect in all of Your ways to us….”

I still don’t really want to listen. I’m stubborn. I’m hurting. I’m lost. I’m so very sad. I don’t want to hear that these ashes can be turned into something beautiful.

Where is my “Strength for Fear” that You give out with the “Beauty for Ashes” combo? How about the “Peace for Despair?” Aren’t all of those a package deal? When do they turn up? Can’t I just have them now? Like a child having a tantrum when I don’t get ice cream before dinner, I want to lay down and kick my arms and legs. Because, like a child, I don’t know how to process this kind of loss, this kind of pain, this kind of anger.

But I’m not a toddler. I’m spiritually old enough to know that if He promises the ice cream after I take five more bites of the dreaded brussel sprouts…He’ll come through. Only thing is, with this part, He won’t tell me how many more bites so that I can count down backwards. Am I almost there? ‘Cause people keep saying I have a looooooong way to go. That the “ice cream” won’t be here for years.

I’m not going to “get over” losing Scott. I loved him and he will always be a part of me. But I do not have to wait to “get over” him in order to receive peace, to be given strength, to see the beauty traded for ashes. But I do have to look for them.

The longer I refuse to seek them, the longer they’ll be hidden. Praise & worship music is one way to seek. Even if I don’t want to listen, and I’m being stubborn and ugly about it, it seeps in through and around my sandbags and boarded up windows.

If I am grieving and have Ugly and Angry hanging on like Velcro, God gets it. He may not like it but He gets it. He intricately knows the emotions inside of us and He knows how Satan will try to use them against us. I’m not going to invite Guilt and Shame over for the party. I’m going to accept that these reactions are normal for humans and then I’m going to concentrate on the fact that I don’t like them and really don’t want to hang out around any of these stormy emotions.

Praise & Worship music is a vehicle. It drives me back to safety. If you find yourself stuck in the storm and need a lift, hop in. Your chariot awaits.

“Your praise will ever be on my lips…” 🎶

“I will praise the Lord at all times. I will constantly speak his praises. I will boast only in the Lord; let all who are helpless take heart. Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness; let us exalt his name together.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭34‬:‭1‬-‭3‬ ‭NLT‬‬