June 9th, 2023

Well, today it was tater tots.

There is no planning anything during deep grief. You can’t really plan to go anywhere or do anything because the emotional roller coaster is constantly twisting and turning, going up and down at lightning speed.

I may be in the numb place, feeling dry and like things that “should” make me cry aren’t. I’m in the house where his memory is here, everywhere. But then I go to the grocery store and have to pull it together over tater tots (one of Scott’s favorite sides.) It was probably interesting to watch my face as I tried to hold back the floodwaters and the panicky feeling that tends to accompany the waterworks. Maybe no one was looking, engrossed in their own grocery list musings.

I may be already feeling close to the edge and avoid going anywhere because I don’t want to fall apart around a bunch of strangers and then, as I sit home, I go back to unfathomable levels of anger and then back to numb.

And so then you plan trips to the grocery store (or wherever) when it seems least likely that many people would be there. Like 10:30 on a weekday morning. (Of course, every checkout is maxed out when you walk in the door but you’re already there so you resolve to forge ahead and get this over with.)

There are still Godwinks in the storms, though. Today, just as I was thinking about tater tots, a long-time, very dear friend texts me just to say “Thinking about you this minute and wanted to tell you how much I love you. 💕” That’s the definition of a Godwink. I am about to drown in a puddle of my own mind’s making and God speaks to a friend, just as it happens, who hears the call and sends me a message to let me know that she is thinking of me and loves me. And in turn, the perfect timing of that message reminds me thst God does, too, and He is sending me tangible proof through the people who surround me, even when they’re not physically there.

You could say that it was a coincidence but there are no accidents. This is not the first time (in this tragedy nor in other difficult times in my life) when such a divine “coincidence” occurred. I daresay it happens quite regularly.

So 👀 LOOK 👀 for the Godwinks. You may miss them if you’re not paying attention. They’re there if you choose to recognize them for what they are. ♥️