Month: July 2023

Cartography of Grief

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June 30th, 2023

Someone, I don’t even remember who, told me a few weeks ago that my posts were sounding more positive. I felt a little bit positive, I guess. I thought, okay, maybe I’m getting a handle on this healing thing. I’m doing it.

And I was doing it…theoretically. I was doing it when I felt more positive and I’m still doing it as I feel like I’ve fallen off of a cliff into a pit the size of Texas and as deep as Everest is tall. “Hellloooo (echo, echo, echo)…I’m down here healing.” That’s what they call it. Turns out that healing isn’t all forward motion…who knew?

My counselor told me today not to worry because I’ll “come out stronger on the other side of this.”

People who want to be stronger go to a gym, of their own volition, I might add. I’ve actually been through a LOT of things in my life that people think you’re “stronger” on the other side of. I hated all of them.

We seem to equate the physical pain earned by training for something to that of emotional pain. But what I’m doing has no Olympics, no triathlon medal, no guts and glory. There is no adrenaline rush that kicks in and gives you a rush of endorphins. My friend Tania is a runner and she lost her sweet Daddy last year; I’m willing to bet she would tell you that the two types of pain are nothing alike. There is no comparison.

My traumas have definitely shaped me into who I am but those results haven’t all been good, not “strong.” Wiser? Maybe. Jaded? Probably. Wary? Definitely. Fearful? Sometimes.

But what they also have done is create an empath in me. Every single trauma from my life that pops in my head as I write this is now something that makes me feel deeply for anyone else who suffers the same.

Trauma turned me to nursing. Trauma turned me to walk with broken people. Trauma turned me to ministry opportunities. (If you think ministry only means standing at a microphone in front of a church full of people, you’re wrong; ministry starts in the streets, in your workplace, in your parenting, in your friendships, in your level of kindness to strangers, even those who don’t necessarily share your views on life in general.) Trauma turned me to share my stories so people who feel alone don’t make choices they cannot take back. And even saying that makes me wish, so hard, that I could have been able to help the ones who have made those choices.

The truth is that sometimes what happens in life is not a choice. The truth is that sometimes you don’t get stronger. The truth is that trauma and grief make you weaker, a lot weaker, for a long time before you just get back up to the level of how “strong” you were before. Eventually.

If my past traumas had made me stronger, I wouldn’t be in this pit right now. They would have given me the ability, to just pop right up outside of the valley, right? What they have given me is a knowledge that, even if I don’t feel Him every day right now, God will carry me out the other side. They’ve given me endurance that comes with the knowledge that I’m not in the pit alone even when it’s dark and oh-so-quiet down here.

So, I don’t believe that stronger is what I will be after this. But what I do believe is that maybe I will be able to let someone else see that they won’t live at the bottom of this dark hole forever. One day I will rise from the ashes of this hurt and despair; I’ll find a way to grow around the grief. I will learn to live with it still inside of me but will allow petals to open from inside the dark place they now hide. Somehow. (That is a combination of what we call hope and faith.)

And one day, when someone asks me how you live through this, then maybe I’ll be able to put into words how it works. Or maybe I’ll know just to sit beside them or hold their hand or cry with them so they’ll know someone is there. Or I will know to just let them have some time where I leave them be until they’re ready.

I don’t know how I’ll be able to help someone else later on. I just know that, even though God did not create or cause my pain, He will find a way to help me use it for someone else. In that, I am confident. Today I don’t want to ever have to walk this path with someone else because it feels impossible to do myself, but without a doubt someone will have to navigate it and I know that their pain will resonate with mine; their pain will call mine back out but I’ll be there to answer that call.

I may not ever be stronger. But I will still want to help people heal and maybe I’m drawing my own map right now.

My Best Friend

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June 29th, 2023

My husband was, wholly and completely, truly and honestly, my very best friend in the whole wide world.

Some of you may think that is “co-dependence.” Some may think it’s “a little much.” Others might say I’m exaggerating. If you’re one of these, I’m so sorry (for you) that you don’t understand.

I think that’s how it should be. If something made me happy, he’s the one I would call. If something made me sad, he was the one I’d call. Excited? Him. Lonely? Him. Frustrated. Him. Overjoyed? Him. You get the picture.

I think that is one of the hardest parts. I literally want to call him every single day. Several times. I want to text him. I want to FaceTime him. I want him 𝘵𝘰. 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦. 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘦.

I don’t know how to reconcile the healthy, smiling, happy, loving, kind person he was with the one who is 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬. How is this even real life??? We should be sitting on the patio, watching the dogs play and talking about Lillian swimming in the pool. We should have eaten dinner together tonight. We should be deciding what to watch on TV before bed. We should just BOTH be here.

Moments like this are really, exceptionally hard to redirect and they attack out of thin air, just materializing with no forewarning. This whole week has been difficult, if I’m being honest. We’re 2/3 into the second month he’s been gone and instead of getting any “easier,” it’s getting more and more REAL.

I don’t want to do this. I wasn’t supposed to be doing any of this, this life, without him. I’m older than him. He was in his FORTIES. What makes that fair or right or okay? Nothing. And nothing ever will.

So here, for tonight, this is my reminder. It is a song by Casting Crowns and this song is what fills my head as I type this. “You’re not alone…” because God speaks when my heart is weary and hurting.

If I listen, He will always speak.

(Link to the song is below the lyrics if you would like to hear it. Play it loud just for me.)

“Oh, my soul.
Oh, how you worry,
Oh, how you’re weary, from fearing you’ve lost control.
𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘚 𝘞𝘈𝘚 𝘛𝘏𝘌 𝘖𝘕𝘌 𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 𝘠𝘖𝘜 𝘋𝘐𝘋𝘕´𝘛 𝘚𝘌𝘌 𝘊𝘖𝘔𝘐𝘕𝘎
And no one would blame you, though,
If you cried in private,
If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows…
No one will see, if you stop believing.

Oh, my soul,
You are not alone.
There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know.
One more day. He will make a way.
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down.
‘Cause you’re not alone.

Here and now,
You can be honest;
I won’t try to promise that someday it all works out,
‘Cause this is the valley
And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones.
And there will be dancing.
There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone.
This much I know.

Oh, my soul,
You are not alone.
There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know.
One more day…He will make a way.
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down.

I’m not strong enough! I can’t take anymore!
(You can lay it down. You can lay it down.)
And my shipwrecked faith will never get me to shore.
(You can lay it down. You can lay it down.)
Can He find me here?
Can He keep me from going under?

Oh, my soul,
You are not alone.
There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know.
One more day, He will make a way.
Let Him show you how you can lay this down.

‘Cause you’re not alone.
Oh, my soul, you’re not alone”

Anger is a Vicious Beast

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June 28th, 2023

𝘈𝘯𝘨𝘳𝘺 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘮. 𝘈𝘯𝘨𝘳𝘺 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥. 𝘈𝘯𝘨𝘳𝘺 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘶𝘯𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭. 𝘈𝘯𝘨𝘳𝘺 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦.

Today is this kind of day.

I’m angry. Not angry AT God but angry because this is the way that it is.

Anger is like a drug. When you’re at the peak, you kind of feel a little better for awhile. Raging over something detracts your attention from the primary emotion you’re feeling, just like drugs soothe the pain at the forefront of every thought process when you’re hurting. The sad seems like it fades just a little bit. But when the drug wears off…that’s when you hit a period of time where you feel worse than before even taking it; the anger doesn’t leave but retreats to the background, the heartbreak pours over you tenfold.

Fortunately, I know that God is bigger than my anger and all of my emotions. I don’t have to try hiding it from Him. Shame, fury, disappointment, fear, sorrow…He can handle them all.

I can rail on about anything and not expect anger back, not expect disappointment, because He created our emotions. Granted, there are a few I wish He had left out but they are what make us human.

I am not my emotions. They don’t define me and they do not control me. I do go through periods of time when they seem to have me in a chokehold (case in point: today) but I trust and believe that my God is bigger than any and all of them at once. When I choose to praise, even if it is angry-sounding, brutally raw praise, He hears me and honors that with relief. It may be a complete, unexplainable peace or it may be small little increments of lessening of the overwhelming part, but He is faithful.

Even in my brokenness, especially in my brokenness, He hears me and there is always a response if I’m seeking Him in what I do. I hope I always have the strength to seek Him, even when I don’t feel like I do. I hope you do, too.

Battery Drain

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June 26th, 2023

I don’t want to go anywhere. I literally just want to sit in this house.

A friend of mine posted this today and I discovered that I am 93% on the side that sucks your energy (overworking is not a problem since I’m not working yet.)

So…lightbulb moment, I guess. I felt like grief, itself, was sucking my energy. Turns out I may be depleting my own by avoiding 87.5% of the energy givers” (Prayer/meditation/mini-devotions and deep breaths are about as far as I get on that list.)

I’m trying to find a way to do better, to feel better. Mind you, this is not a “turn lemons into lemonade” situation. I could squeeze them but there’s no sugar to add so that would be some mighty sour lemonade. Maybe doing some of these things could be baby steps to learning how to move, how to breathe, how to live again.

Maybe you’re grieving, too. Or maybe you’re suffering from depression for a different reason. Is this an eye-opener for you, too?

I’m going to try to do 𝘢𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘵 one thing from the Givers list tomorrow. I’ll do my best to do at least three of them but I’m going to call it success if I can do one more than I’ve done today and almost all of the other days. If you are living on the Energy Takers side right now for one reason or another, will you try to add some from the other list tomorrow, too? Then let me know tomorrow if you succeeded?

I’m still having to take this thing one day at a time…honestly, a lot of days one hour at a time. But I will find my way. I know I’m not the only one surviving so I’m not alone and neither are you, even on the days when it feels like it.

It’s Just Who He Was

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June 25th, 2023

I love this photo. We had just found out that we were going to have a granddaughter and since our children are all boys, we were excited about the prospect of having a little girl around (which we would soon find out would be two granddaughters coming within less than a year.)

But as I came across this photo again today, you know what stood out to me?

He was carrying his big, bulky wallet in the pocket of his sport shorts. I had tried to get him to take some stuff out so it wouldn’t be so bulky but he always said he had already “thinned it out” and that anything still in there he just might need. 😆

He hated carrying it in his pocket when he was wearing elastic-waisted sport shorts because, since it was heavy, it kept wanting to pull them down. 😳

BUT, I hated carrying my heavy (also-having-too-much-stuff-in-it) purse around. So when we got out of the truck, he’d always say “You don’t have to carry your purse, baby. I’ve got my wallet.” And I would say, “I can carry your wallet IN my purse if you need it but it’s going to pull your pants down if you carry it.”

He would never agree. He just knew I didn’t like toting my purse around and so he’d argue and take his wallet anyway. Ultimately, I’d just leave the purse in the end. I remember even telling him on this particular store trip “I’m not going to buy anything; we’re just going to look at stuff today anyway.” And he said “I know but I’ll still bring it just in case.”

Spoiler alert: we bought a few things.

Spoiler alert addendum: Scott actually picked out what we got because “She needs this.” And today I don’t even remember what we got that time but I remember that part.

He was always saying “she needs this” but it would be a tiny fishing pole or an entire swing set and I would say, “Baby, we can get it but she won’t need that for a long time…”

He sure did love being a PopPop. I hate it more than I can express that he never got to meet Emory Rose, our grandbaby who is coming later this year. Scott was excited to see the kind of daddy that Jonathan is going to be.

But what I was saying is that THAT’S the kind of man he was for me. I know that carrying his wallet so I didn’t have to carry my purse sounds trivial but he was 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 in so many ways. He was selfless. He was loving. He always put the care and comfort of others before himself. And he just loved and was loyal with his whole heart.

So, maybe in an odd way to anyone else, that lump in his right pocket, pulling the side of his shorts down, reminds me of him a lot. It reminds me of one of the very many reasons that I loved him like I did. And he wasn’t afraid to look like he was wearing a big princess crown. 🥰

Joy Isn’t the Same as Happiness

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June 25th, 2023

I used to love to read.

I’d get caught up in a story and my amazing husband would get aggravated with me because he would want to do something in real life while I was caught up in something fictional and I’d be like “Okay, yes, I know…but just let me finish this chapter, please…I CAN’T stop here…”

I really loved to read.

And now I just can’t love it.

I’ve changed books multiple times. I’ve looked up “books you’ll love if you enjoyed _ (insert name of other book that had captivated me here.)” I’ve started and stopped and started and stopped. Nothing works.

Food is like that, too. I’ve found it somewhat amusing (I guess maybe that’s the word for it) that many of the things that have caused me to nearly have full-on breakdowns have been various food items. Scott and I were definitely foodies so meals took up a good bit of our thoughts and conversations. When we traveled, we used to look up “Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives” to see if they had featured any restaurants in the area where we were visiting and try to go there. My #1 favorite place to go in Miami was Atelier Monnier French Bakery. I’d get an almond croissant (it doesn’t just have almonds on it and in it, it’s a whole experience all its own) and Scott would get a chocolate covered one.

Now food doesn’t taste the same. I don’t long to try fun and exciting cuisine like I used to. My mouth doesn’t water just thinking about…well, anything. I have to force myself to eat a piece of bread with peanut butter just to throw down some protein so that I won’t feel faint…usually after I start feeling faint. And that’s just because I literally don’t think about food until then.

It often feels like the “life” has gone out of life.

I’ve wanted to go to Heaven for a long time. I wasn’t in a rush to get there or anything. I enjoyed being here most times and was (and am) thankful for all that I have here. But I knew that was where I wanted to be after all of this. Before Scott came along, my boys were my Heaven on Earth. They were what tethered me here. Once Scott showed up, he was a big part of that thing that almost felt like Heaven here. I know real Heaven will be so much greater but it’s the closest I could imagine with my human mind. In fact, he made me feel like he’d been what was missing all along. My Missing Piece (a’la Shel Silverstein…if you haven’t read it, you should.)

As I felt the boys doing what we teach kids to do, becoming independent of me, Scott showed me that I was still going to be okay here when they all learned to fly from my cozy nest. I always knew I’d still have my baby boys but I also knew how different life was going to be without the continuity of raising them. Without the busyness of parenthood. Scott got me excited about what the future looked like. We were LOVING having a granddaughter and looking forward to the next one coming. We had BIG plans for what grandparenting would look like but also big plans for so many other things.

There is still a payment plan sitting around waiting for funds to be added again for our belated honeymoon next year. We were going on an all-inclusive vacation out of the country and we were counting down to it. I haven’t even asked yet if they’ll return the money we’ve already sent. I just can’t. That will mean it’s really cancelled. And I don’t want to go but I can’t bring myself to call and cancel it either.

So many of the things I used to want to do, they just don’t hold any spark anymore. They don’t hold joy. I still love being a Lolly (a grandmother) but it is bittersweet so often because he should have been here doing it with me. Lillian and Emory will never even remember him.

God intends for all of us to live abundant lives. John 10:10 says “The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I [Jesus] came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows.)” The thief is the enemy. And he did steal, kill, and destroy successfully. All of it.

But God is still here. He is successful, always, in His own endeavors. Revelation 1:8 says “I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End,” says the Lord, “who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty One.” He was, and is, and is to come. He was here when I was happy. He is here while I mourn. He will be here, with me, until it is time for me to go to Him and worship Him “in person,” and then the bonus plan is that I can see Scott, too.

But God’s desire for me 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 is that my joy may be complete. “I have told you these things, that My joy and delight may be in you, and that your joy and gladness may be of full measure and complete and overflowing.” (John 15:11)

Scott isn’t here anymore, but that doesn’t mean that my joy cannot be complete. (Side note: I worship Jesus; I do not worship Scott as my husband…although I was extremely fond of him. Jesus makes my joy complete. What I mean here is that, without following the plan that God had for my life, my joy would not have been complete, lest anyone misconstrue my intent.) If I had never met Scott (as God designed) then my joy would not have been complete. He was part of God’s plan for my life. I cannot imagine the last ten years of my life without him and, even through the pain of losing him, I’d never want to. Even if I’d known I’d lose him, I would never want to have missed out on what he brought into my life. But even now that he is gone, I will still have joy.

Ephesians 3:20 says “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us,” God has a plan to give us exceedingly abundantly MORE than we ask or think…and, before I met him, I had given up on finding anyone like Scott in my life. God brought me that joy anyway. (And understand that you can have JOY while not actually feeling happy…but that’s another story for another day. And that’s why I say it’s still possible without Scott here.)

For today…it’s after midnight so it is already Sunday, the Lord’s day…I will be grateful for my joy. Our children are part of my joy. Our grandchildren are part of my joy. Scott was part of my joy. And somehow, although I cannot see a glimmer of it yet, my future on this Earth is part of my joy.

What Kind of “Vert” Am I?

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June 24th, 2023

My whole life, I’ve wondered what kind of “vert” I am. Just stay with me for a minute…

Growing up, I always felt like an introvert but had to act like an extrovert if I wanted to ever have friends; I was an Air Force brat and we moved every 2-3 years. I needed to be able to make friends.

Once I get to know someone, they’ll tell you I could talk their ear off. Someone who is excessively loquacious (hush, it sounds better than “chatterbox” or “too talkative” and I’ve been called all of them) instantly makes people think extrovert. But that’s not who I am until I feel comfortable around you. If I talk a lot around you, consider yourself lucky…just kidding; some would say that’s a curse.

So I guess I thought I must be an extrovert most of my life because that’s what everyone else assumed I was.

People think introverted people can’t get on a stage and sing because they don’t like attention. But I don’t have to really talk to anyone to do that.

They think that leadership skills makes you an extrovert. (Don’t tell your little girls they’re bossy; they have leadership skills.) Maybe it does. I don’t always want to be a leader but I get frustrated if no one is leading and keeping things moving properly so I will step up and handle things if I need to. I don’t know what that trait makes me.

What I was getting to, I guess, is that right now I don’t just feel like an introvert. I feel like a hermit. The counselor called it social anxiety disorder. It is likely temporary but it makes life difficult.

I wish Walmart was open all night like before C*VID because I would go at midnight to avoid seeing people and having to talk to them. People text me and want to call or come over but I stress out over what I’m going to say to them. How silly is that?

But everyone says “So, how are you doing?” And that is ABSOLUTELY a normal thing to ask. There is NOTHING wrong with that! But I don’t know how to answer it. Do I say “I’m okay.” Because I’m not okay. I don’t feel “okay” at all. I feel like my world was ripped apart and no one has the glue to repair it…but I can’t tell people that.

Grief is uncomfortable for people. When it’s not your grief, it’s uncomfortable because of two things.

A.) What if it was your grief??? What if this happened to you??? Oh, dear God, what if it was you? How would you live through this? How is it survivable? (Trust me, I felt this exact same way when my sister lost her son just barely over two weeks earlier!)

B.) What do you say? How can you help? Nothing is going to make it better so how can you just not make it worse??? What phrases are “off limits” because they WILL make it worse? (We understand. You’re right; nothing will make it better and words can’t help. And we also understand our own sensitivity to words and phrases you may say. The thing is, nothing actually makes it 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘴𝘦 either. It’s just 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘴𝘦 all by itself. Everything just feels “worse” right now.)

So, no, I don’t want to say that I’m not okay to anyone. They feel better if I just say “I’m doing okay.” And I’m alive and breathing so it’s not like I’m technically lying. “Hey…I’m okay over here. I’m good. I’ve got this…”

And listen, I’m going to survive this. I haven’t “got this,” but somehow I know I’ll survive it. It SUCKS, but I’m going to survive it. Don’t call for a welfare check. But just because I’m surviving doesn’t mean I just feel all hunky dory.

It’s OKAY that your life keeps moving and things go back to normal for you; he wasn’t your person. I totally get it. It’s okay. YOU’RE okay. And that’s good.

But please don’t just expect mine to go “back to normal.” There is NOTHING normal about this life over here. Nada. Nix. Nuh-uh.

And that whole “new normal” that everyone keeps talking about is a bunch of hogwash. I get it that you want me to find a “new normal” but I HATE what that is theoretically supposed to look like. 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘢 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯. I don’t want to just build a new normal around the idea that he is not here. Around the idea that he will NEVER be here. How am I just supposed to make everything normal without him in my picture. It was its own version of “normal” before I knew him but it will never be the same now that he is gone.

I’m guessing that, at some point, I’ll just make a new picture. The thing about that picture is that I see it like one of those photos where someone is still there but kind of faded, like when people make them sort of transparent for the photo because they’re gone? You know? Because I do want to be able to be happy, truly happy, again one day. I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS BUT I CAN’T JUST STOP. Who I am will always have a piece of Scott. I truly am who I am today because he became an integral part of me.

I believe in true love because of him. I believe in soulmates because of him. I believe in real men existing because of him. I believe in grace existing in people and not just in God because of him. I believe in chivalry still being alive and well because of him. 𝘐 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘦 𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘥𝘢𝘺, 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺, 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘩𝘪𝘮. That’s a lot, right? You probably didn’t know that part.

So…

Maybe being an introvert or an extrovert is fluid. Maybe you’re not born one or the other but you become who you are, how you are, what you are, because of what you’re going through. Maybe being an “ambivert” who can go back and forth isn’t such a foreign concept, after all.

And I’m still going to say that, whoever I am, through it all, God knew before I was “a twinkle in my daddy’s eye” that I would be exactly that person at precisely that time. He was prepared to be with me and walk me through it. I go through periods of time when I feel 100% alone (and even want to be) but I know 100% that I am not. He is with me withersoever I goest. He’s here. I’m more grateful for that than I can express in words…imagine that for an “extrovert.”

I may be lonely and still not even want to be around people, but I am not actually alone.

Reality is an Evil Houseguest

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June 22nd, 2023

I thought I was figuring this thing out.

I thought that I was really trying to get myself to see the truth. That it is real and that he’s actually gone. Forever, from this world. I thought this because, in the numb place that I often seem to live, I would say to myself “Jen, this is real life. He isn’t coming back. He won’t just walk in the door. This isn’t just a dream.”

How can someone who was so ALIVE and so consistent, and so steadfast just be GONE? Disappear. How?

As if truly believing it would check off some box in a list of necessary chores in order to reach ultimate healing, I tried to persevere in my quest to find “healing” from these wretched battle wounds. As if it meant I had risen one more rung on the ladder that would lead to my being capable of living again.

I was wrong.

There is no ladder, no list. They tell you about the stages of grief but they’re not sequential and they’re not one trip only. They’re just willy-nilly, all over the place and there is no structure to them at ALL!

But the strangest part is that, although I consciously thought I was trying to figure it all out, to definitively make progress, it was all a ruse. My brain was somehow playing a double agent. What a crock.

Apparently, my subconscious has other plans for a surprise reveal all on its own. I feel like I am on one of those makeover shows. “Here comes the new you! Hope you like it! But if you don’t, TOO BAD. What’s done is done! Enjoy! Annnnnd, heeeeere’s Jennifer!”

For the last couple of days, I can’t really explain it properly in words, but I have been feeling The Truth about my life and my future trying to break the door down. It’s like certain smells (especially), music, things I’ve seen are trying to push through and devastate me with some big news. It feels like standing at the precipice of a giant cliff, leaning back as far as I can, and swirling my arms madly, backwards and in circular motion, to keep from going over the edge. It feels like a knobby, old, gray hand with long, ragged fingernails is flexing around a slightly open door and trying to push inwards as I lean, with all of my strength, against the door to keep it closed.

STOP!!! No!!! I don’t want to know! Don’t tell me! I like this numb, fantasy world better! STAY OUT!!!

And yet I thought I was trying to “make progress” by letting it in…

…

I know that, at some point, The Truth will cross that threshold and it won’t be gently. It will be in spectacular fashion, crushing me beneath the heavy door and the door frame as it crashes and pummels its way in. It will be far from painless. It will be devastating.

Somehow I know that the sadness and loss I have felt so far is minuscule, insignificant, microscopic compared to what The Truth will bring as it breaches my consciousness.

As I now fight off the entering darkness, it is a strange feeling. I thought I wanted “progress” in this grief journey, to move ahead toward healing and some sensation of “normality”.

What it is instead resembles a severe burn patient who knows that the time for debridement is coming nigh and that this is the only way forward but is a treacherous, painful, horrific pathway to submit to just for “healing”. What scars will I be left with when it’s over? Will people even know it’s still me? Can I survive the onslaught of misery that comes with it?

There is another Truth that is alive and well, though. It is the Truth that matters and Scott is already viewing His countenance.

The Way. The Truth. The Life.

No other truth surpasses the importance of this Truth. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

So, again, I turn to the only place my help comes from. Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy (Ps 61:1-3). He brought me up out of a horrible pit [of tumult and of destruction], out of the miry clay and He set my feet upon a rock, steadying my footsteps and establishing my path. (Ps 40:2)

This song is an old one, from when we lived in Saudi Arabia and had private worship in people’s homes, when we weren’t allowed to have church. It still sticks with me when I need it.

“Oh, Lord, in the morning, will I direct my prayer unto Thee and will look up.”

How. Can. This. Be. Real. Life?

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June 22nd, 2023

I’m going to give a GRIEF TRIGGER WARNING on this one again. Stop here if you don’t want to potentially be thrown back into your own space of grief. But know you aren’t alone if that happens sometimes.

Some nights the flashbacks are bad. I can’t make them stop. The last moments, even the last hours…but especially the last moments, were bad, the stuff of nightmares. It was a nightmare…except it wasn’t.

I beg to wake up a lot. I think about how maybe I passed out in his hospital room and they had to put me on a ventilator and maybe this whole thing could just be me, tripping on propofol or fever dreams and whatever else they’re using to keep me sedated until they can extubate me. Maybe I’ll wake up as they wean me from the meds and he’ll be standing there over me, worried but thankful to see me coming out of it. He’ll be holding my hand and asking me to squeeze his so I will. And I’ll tell him about the worst and longest nightmare I’ve ever had.

And we’ll go home. Together.

I know. You don’t have to tell me because I already know. It sounds crazy. It’s a ridiculous concept but oh, what if it wasn’t? And so, on bad flashback nights (not as infrequent as you might think), I allow my mind to wander through scenarios like this; it is easier than the alternative.

I’ve started counseling and she has worked up a treatment plan based on some fun mental health diagnoses that have been precipitated by the events of that fateful May night. I have assignments to do between appointments and specific goals we’ll work toward. They feel pretty unattainable right now but God did not give me a spirit of fear but of power, and of love, and of a SOUND MIND. I am healed and whole, in Jesus name. And I’ll keep claiming that until I see the results of it.

The point of this post is this: if you are grieving a huge loss, a life-altering one where nothing will ever be the same again,

You👏🏼are👏🏼not👏🏼crazy👏🏼or👏🏼alone👏🏼

The swirling, raging, tumultuous thoughts in my brain cause physical symptoms that feel unbearable at times. It sort of feels like it’s in your stomach but sort of in your chest but sort of in your arms & legs. Your hands shake uncontrollably. There’s a wrenching ache. It’s terrifying. But it’s not crazy. Are the symptoms psychosomatic? Maybe. Maybe my brain is making me feel this way but that doesn’t mean the symptoms aren’t real. It doesn’t mean that reliving that night over and over doesn’t make you have very real, physical feelings.

And there are irrational fears of something happening to someone else that I love. Something sudden and that I personally have no control over, just like with Scott. Thoughts that are difficult to tamp down but that I also use scripture to fight. And sometimes I have to get out books to find them or Google parts of the verses to be able to read them because, in my panic, the whole scripture won’t come to me. When I find them, I read them over and over…and over and over and over…

When I do this, eventually a peace falls over me. I feel comfort around me. I get sleepy. I fall asleep. Unfortunately, I often wake with dreams plagued with the same flashbacks.

And yet some mornings I wake up in the numb place again, my mind not believing that this is all real.

How. Can. This. Be. Real. Life???

Subconsciously, my mind can still convince me that he’s on assignment at work and will be walking in the door any minute now. I’m not sure how this works because we never, ever, since we began dating, have gone a single day without talking at least twice a day. We either saw each other or were on the phone or FaceTime, at the very least, every morning and every night. How could he be coming back home if I haven’t even talked to him in over a month? But my mind seems to accept this silly charade for periods of time. Another strange mind trick. When I’m wrapped inside the numbness, I can tell myself, “Jennifer, it is really real. He is gone. He’s not coming back.” and even then I can’t FEEL it. I don’t fall apart or lose it or cry or scream or throw up then. I just don’t even feel it. 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 makes you feel like you’re going crazy, too.

It’s funny how your own mind can protect you.

And then the guilt hits because it’s part of the cycle I’ve come to recognize. The guilt over not feeling it sometimes. The guilt over still being able to smile at my granddaughter or hug the kids or just be here, in this place he can’t be anymore. Guilt over not doing enough before he died. (Yes, I know, there was nothing else I could have done…but just like the numbness doesn’t make sense, the guilt isn’t something you can talk or rationalize away.)

Tomorrow will be a better day. I’ll be back in the numb place by morning. My brain will keep me wrapped in bubble wrap all day and then I’ll have no idea when the cycle will start over.

Tonight I pray for peace. I pray for comfort. I will read scripture from the anxiety and grief and depression chapters of my categorized prayer and scripture book. And then I will eventually sleep after my angels battle the enemy and take over within my warring spirit again.

This grief thing isn’t pretty. It’s brutal. It’s consuming. It’s a Cat 5 hurricane barreling through your heart over and over again, day after day. You will have to do some parts of it alone and that is okay. Just remember that you’re NOT alone. God is with you, no matter what it feels like at the time. You can also reach out to people to listen when you’re ready to talk it out again. Don’t give up.

Rainy Days & Mondays…

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June 21st, 2023

The rain changes your mood. It has definitely altered mine this last week and it looks like we’ll be seeing it every day for the next week.

On the day of Scott’s funeral, there was a chance of rain but it stayed mostly sunny. I remember thinking that it should have been a full-on thunderstorm because that is the way my heart felt. Angry lightning, terrifying and soul-crushing thunder, howling, damaging winds, and torrential, fast floods of rain from tears and sorrow. I felt like a thunderstorm of epic proportions was raging inside me and, just like weather, there was nothing I could do to quell it, and the nausea that accompanied it.

But I have prayed for rain before, too. When our grass was dry and yellowed. While I was waiting for all of the varied colors of our flowering trees to bloom and our flower beds to blossom. Rain reminds all things to grow. Rain reminds us that you cannot stop the things you cannot stop. The rain will fall. The world will turn. The seasons will change. The rainbow will come. Rainstorms are fierce, consuming, and unable to be ignored or interrupted. They have the ability to completely change the scenery.

It was disconcerting how, as I moved through the days after he died, everything just went on about me, moving at normal pace and continuing a propulsive motion that had started while he was still here. I felt like my world, everything as I knew it, had stopped on a dime. I felt like there would be no tomorrow because things weren’t as they should be. But the world kept spinning, cars kept driving by, people came in and out, and nothing else slowed down at all…only me.

There have been times when rain has felt comforting. It’s a good time to cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie with someone you love, popcorn and movie candy included; I like Reese’s Pieces with movie popcorn. Scott just loved popcorn, period. We always said that we wanted to build a screened-in patio, overlooking our pool, with a tin roof. Rain is so soothing on a tin roof with a cup of hot coffee in your hand. Something about the rhythm it plays as it drums away like a fine percussionist allows worries to float away. Rainy days are also perfect for cozy naps. Snuggling up under your covers and listening to the sounds of the storm can seem to flush the cares of the world away, if only for a time.

Rain has a way of cleansing things. It rinses away dust and pollen. It washes away children’s chalk drawings, creating a clean slate to make something new another day. The thing about washing away is that sometimes you like what was there before. And then sometimes you begin to draw and realize this new art, this new creation, has a different but astounding kind of beauty all its own. Not better, but resplendent in its own right.

Ultimately, there are two things you can always eventually count on: rain falling, and the sun coming back out. Without being too Annie-esque, the sun will come out again, maybe not tomorrow but it will. The sunshine will return. Just like today’s weather report, it doesn’t look like it will be today and maybe not even much this week, but it will return, in fits and starts. I wish we could predict the return of joy like we can predict the weather, even though weather reports can be faulty.

I have faith that my joy will one day return, probably also in fits and starts. I have a tattoo that says Romans 15:13. In The Passion Translation it reads: “Now may God, the fountain of hope, fill you to overflowing with uncontainable joy and perfect peace as you trust in him. And may the power of the Holy Spirit continually surround your life with his overwhelming abundance until you radiate with hope!”
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Somehow, some way, I will have uncontainable joy someday. I have faith that God’s promises are true. John 16:20-24 says this: “Truly, truly, I say to you, that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; you will grieve, but your grief will be turned into joy. Whenever a woman is in labor she has pain, because her hour has come; but when she gives birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish because of the joy that a child has been born into the world. Therefore you too have grief now; but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you.”
And sometimes it does feel like the world rejoices while I grieve, but though my sorrow may last for the night, joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5b). Obviously the “night” and “morning” are figurative; I wish they weren’t. But joy comes…I’m going to choose this rainy day to trust in the coming of the inevitable sunshine.

Joy Comes by Francesca Battistelli:

“… Joy comes; tears fall.
I’m learning there is beauty in it all.
It’s not hard to find it, you just have to look
Oh, God is good…”