I’ve written what actually happened to my husband during the last five hours of his life several times. Every time that I wrote it out is saved in a drafts folder. At this point I don’t know if I just keep writing it as some form of “therapy,” as torture in some kind of self-flagellation, or because I actually intend to share it one day. Although, I won’t ever tell you the name of the hospital, the nurses, some of the doctors, because I’m not at liberty to say even though it’s my husband’s story. And it’s my story because I had to watch it all unfold. It’s our story but it’s a part of the middle, not the end. Funny how they, the “powers that be,” have so much more power and control over everything than we do. You know, we the people. They can take their names out of it but it is still 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘺 of how it all ended in this life. How our love story here got cut short. And then “they” can get off and walk away scot-free. Pun 100% intended.

My life isn’t what I thought it would be now, but I’m trying my best to fulfill some of 𝘰𝘶𝘳 dreams. A lot of what you see about me planting things lately is really about him. I’m enjoying doing it but plants of any kind were really Scott’s forté. I loved to be in the garden with him but he was the one who could make things grow. He was always teaching, telling me how he did this or that, but he might have been a little afraid for me to touch them 😂 and yet he would still encourage me to try but I think that’s because he knew if I killed it he could bring it back. I don’t know how he did it but there were plants I swear were dead and gone but Scott could mysteriously revive them. And it’s not like when your kid’s fish dies and you buy him a new one just so he won’t be sad. He really brought them back. He could grow anything. Just look what he did with me while I had him here. And look what his absence has done.

Our back yard was one of the biggest reasons we bought this home together. It was beautiful when we bought it but we worked, little by little, intending to make it a an increasingly beautiful and peaceful oasis. We spoke often of how it should be a place to go when life overwhelms. It should be a place where our kids and our grandkids love and want to come hang out with us. It should be lovely and relaxing. It should be the outdoor version of 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘦.

The boys have helped me take on a heavy duty (strength required) project out there that Scott and I had intended to do for awhile. It’s not quite finished but most of what is left to do is more about tidying up and smoothing things out. Unfortunately that part requires some heavy lifting, too, so we work on it when we all can. They’ve also helped me hang twinkly lights over our pool. They have encouraged me and at least acted excited with me over my fruit trees (because we wanted them all to be able to come pick their own fresh fruit when they wanted.) They have ooo’d and ahhh’d over my rose bushes and other plants that I’m managing to keep alive by the grace of God. They’ve also helped me when random but frustrating home issues have come up. Between them, my boys can professionally work on electrical, heating, air, or refrigeration problems, carpentry, masonry, and removing dents from vehicles. They’re each incredibly skillful and talented in their areas of expertise and have great work ethic. I often tease them that I still just need someone to go to school for plumbing. So far, I’ve had no takers on that one (even though that’s one of the things acting up lately.🤦🏻‍♀️) I don’t know what I’d do without them as I live without my husband.

Our girls, the ones Scott and I fell in love with when our boys did, have been a Godsend in so many ways, too. Scott never got to meet our newest edition, Erin, but he would have adored her just like he did Taylor and Patrice. She is such a sweetheart. I think he would have said something like “Man, Owen, you managed to reel in a nice catch! Good going, man! And it don’t hurt that she’s gorgeous, too. You need to hang on to that one.😉” These girls have really actually been excited with me about my flowers.😂 They have listened when my heart was broken but I didn’t want to burden the boys with my hurt. They have cleaned and helped host the comings and goings of many people when I could barely acknowledge who was here. Most importantly of all, they have loved my sweet boys and have been for them, in many ways, what Scott was for me. A safe place.

And my granddaughter. Well, she lights up a room even when she’s got her face scrunched up like she’s mad. She’s so easy to love and laugh at. She has also gotten me through some of the toughest days. One day I’ll tell her that her middle name should have been Grace because she sure saved me. Many days that it would have been easy to go down a rabbit hole of despair, that baby girl has held me away from the edge.

In the natural, the regular world, there shouldn’t have been any way, financially, for me to stay home with her this year. I was determined to try really hard to do it because I am trying my best to keep any and all promises and commitments that Scott and I made while he was here, and also because I wanted to spend this time with her and to help my kids. But my life is anything but natural since God’s doing it with me. Every time I thought it might not be possible for much longer, He has provided a wholly unexpected way for it to work. And He didn’t just do it for Lillian. He knew how close I’ve lived to the edge of existence at times and He already knew this would have pushed me to the brink. I’d never leave my kids and force them to go through something like I am, but it is desperately miserable to live teetering on that edge, walking a death-defying tightrope every day. And so He also knew what I needed to draw me back to solid ground. You’ll never, ever convince me that He didn’t send Lillian Reese here right when He did because He knew how much we would all need her. I may have said this here, online, before but if you ever saw Lillian any of her uncles, you’d think he was her daddy. They all treasure her like that and she is one blessed little girl to have all of these people who love her as much as our big tribe does.

God has been in the details all this time. Some of them I could see at that moment. Some I haven’t been able to see until looking back from a different perspective. I know that even when I felt alone because Scott is gone, God has still been there holding my head above tidal waves of grief. He has poured peace over me when I couldn’t find it anywhere else. There are certain things that, even now, I should be stressing and panicking about, but the urge to worry frantically over them isn’t there. I know who holds my future, even if it isn’t what I wanted it to be, and I trust that beauty will somehow come from these ashes.

I’m a few days away from the eleven month mark. Not two weeks after that will be the one year mark since we lost my sweet fifteen-year-old nephew and then about two weeks after that one year since Scott was here. I don’t doubt that the water will rise again soon. I also don’t doubt that, in the raging swirls and waves of that flood, I will be lifted out again.