Category: Being a Christian

Forgiveness & Trust

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Overcome evil and anger by praying for those who hurt and abuse you.

I’ve been like a bear with my paw caught in a trap, wanting to wound the one who could release me in my pain and anger. In this case, my release was only possible by offering grace to the captors who placed me here.

Tonight, I’ve been given the instruction from God to forgive the people who were party to my husband’s death and to offer them grace, yet with the full knowledge and trust that God has the power and omniscience to handle the outcomes. If they realize their errors, their negligence, and learn from that experience, He has the power to make them better from it, because that won’t bring Scott back but that is still a positive outcome. Or He could guide them on a path where they never make the same poor judgements again because they are unable to forget the tragedy that their actions caused. He also has the ability to enter circumstances into their lives to prevent them from ever hurting anyone else if His foresight shows that they refuse to heed the education that this situation is able to provide for their futures. God has called me, in the wee hours of the morning, to trust Him to do that. He calls me to pour out grace upon grace just as He has flooded it over me. And trust me…I’ve needed grace upon grace, too. We all do. Just different kinds.

This is not an easy task to undertake (and make no mistake, it is a chore, a job, an unearthly, overwhelmingly difficult undertaking.) Only He, however, has made it possible because the choice to follow His instruction was more of an obligatory mandate than a decision. I can see the peace on the other side of it even as I feel called, yet because of my own stubborn and hurting heart, still hesitant, to enter into it. Trusting Him is easy; trusting and forgiving them is not.

I’ve chosen whom I will serve. The Bible says that you cannot serve two masters. It’s talking about serving God or a love of money in this particular scripture but it applies, also, to the fact that you cannot serve both God and the enemy. If you choose one, you are no longer serving the other. Jesus won me over a long time ago because He loved me enough to die for me. So, when God says to forgive, I choose to obey. Forgiveness is a choice. You don’t always feel like you have forgiven when you choose to do so. You may still have anger (I do.) You may still have difficulty feeling as if you have truly forgiven them (I do.) But the obedience to God and His Word are important. The choice you make to say “I forgive them, Lord. I’m trusting You to help me do it within my heart and I believe justice comes from You” is what makes all the difference, even if you have to say it day after day after day.

So, I am saying it here, as a reminder that I did, in fact, say it and in hopes I’ll truly feel like I’ve forgiven despite the fact that I will never be able to forget. I can’t forget what they didn’t do, but should have. I can’t forget because I still have nightmares, awake and asleep, about it. But I’m choosing to forgive them.

There is a peace that eventually comes with forgiveness. I mean, I know because I’ve done it in other circumstances. That hard won peace is worth the work it takes to get to a place where you let go of what can never change and let God work in your heart over it. And listen, I’m not bragging about doing this at all. This is me writing it out in the hopes that, as I do, it becomes cemented in some way, becomes real, becomes some kind of lasting thing that takes root because it’s hard sometimes. This time.

If you’re in a place of grief that is accompanied by anger, choose this day whom you will serve. Choose with me, the only path that leads to healing. Choose to forgive and speak it out loud. God will honor your decision to make the difficult choice to follow Him in this endeavor. Judgement is mine, says the Lord. I forgive them; (I forgive them. I forgive them. I forgive them, Lord.) I also hope that one day, here or in Heaven, I get to see how that plays out in the people who were a party to the biggest loss in my life thus far.

Give Credit to the Meek

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I’m reflecting this morning on the word “meek.”

Matthew 5:5, in the Beatitudes, says “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”

Previously, to me, meek would have been interpreted as weak, passive, or timid. None of these are words that strike a chord of longing, typically. We don’t strive to be “meek” if that is our interpretation of the word.

But some study through various sources today taught me something different.

First, I went to my Dictionary app which instructed that the definition of meek is the following:

  1. Humbly patient or quiet in nature, as under provocation from others.
  2. Submissive or compliant; tame
  3. Gentle; kind

Besides the fact that the world typically looks at the world “submissive” as a bad word, these are all things we might strive to be. And even more so after the other things I read.

For the record, the definition of submissive in the dictionary includes “unresistant or humbly obedient” and “yielding to the authority of another.” While I have authority in the name of Christ, that is all due to submitting to His own authority, (doing my best to be) being obedient to His authority.

I learned today that, in Matthew 5:5, the English word translated as meek comes from the Greek word “praeis.” It means gentle, humble, or submissive; modest, mild, or unpretentious.”

The very first thing that struck me about this explanation was: my husband, Scott, was meek.

He was truly gentle, humble, submissive (in the appropriate situations – to God, to work leadership, and to the needs of others.) He was modest, mild, and the most unpretentious person I know. Although it’s hard to be prententious when people are teasing you (in a good-natured fashion) about your Baker County accent! 🙂

When I was young, these are not things I looked for in a partner or in myself. I wanted to be powerful within myself, to be in control of my surroundings and my situations, to be who I was unashamedly. But I don’t like some parts of who I was then (although that was a process of learning and growing that we go through) and I learned – usually the hard way because that’s how I roll 🙄 – that we are rarely “in control” even when we think we are. Things that we are unable to control can take us to our knees in literally the span of a heartbeat and we are forced to recognize our vulnerability to outside influences. To a drunk driver, to cancer, to words or actions of heartless people and unkindness.

It took a lot of growing up, spiritually and emotionally, to learn that Scott was exactly what I wanted and needed. I thought God sent me Scott to make me happy. I’m sure that was part of it because I know He wants all of the best things for me. And oh, glory, did he make me happy. But I learned that God had another purpose in that beautiful gift I called a soulmate. I learned that I needed to be more like Scott in many ways. I still want to be and I’m working on it, albeit slowly and with backtracking on some days.

If you’re looking for a partner now, you want God to send you someone who is all of these things (and recognize that person for these reasons.) Maybe today that isn’t what you think you want right now but I assure you that your whole world will flourish under the influence.

Allow someone to walk into your life who has traits of beauty that you don’t see enough of in yourself. Someone whose very existence urges you to be more like them.

I always admired Scott for his patience with me. Don’t laugh; I know y’all probably already know it’s true. When I am hungry (especially) or overly exhausted or stressed, I’m far from meek. I’m testy, grouchy, and definitely not patient.

The night my nephew died, just sixteen days before Scott did, I was mean to him. I couldn’t get packed and in the car fast enough to get to my sister and brother-in-law, and I was throwing things willy-nilly into the suitcase. Scott was hurting for them, too, but he knew we’d be staying awhile. He was quietly methodical and thoughtful. He gently removed random things I threw in (a little bottle of air freshener? a beach hat? the ceiling fan? Seriously, though, I was just grabbing and tossing and I have no idea what all went in there but I know I saw him replacing them with things I would really need – I know I didn’t think of underwear or shirts but there were probably six pair of pants from when I ripped open that drawer and then was ready to LEAVE!) I yelled at him, “We have to GO! You’re moving too slow!” But he wasn’t being slow, he was being purposeful and I was rushing because my mind was madcap. I simply couldn’t think straight.

Another time, we were on a vacation trip, just the two of us, and we were riding bikes around Savannah looking for a place to eat. We started off wanting to find the most amazing local restaurant that you couldn’t find anywhere else. Then, as time passed, he still wanted to find that and I wanted to find FOOD of any kind. We were fairly young in our relationship, within the first year, and he didn’t recognize the signs yet, bless his heart. But I was getting sweaty, lightheaded, and nauseous (low blood sugar) and I suddenly stopped the bike, got off and said “We are eating here. I have to eat right now.” He did, then, realize that these must be signs of 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 and said, “Okay, baby, if that’s what you want.” We ate at Panera.

I feel guilty about those things now but I don’t have a single doubt that Scott knew how very much I loved him. And there were times he told me that he wanted to be more like me in some ways so I know we balanced each other out and we helped each other grow.

Don’t be afraid to be meek. Challenge yourself to memorize and understand the real meaning of the word. I know I am. ♥️

I’d Like One Speedy Miracle, Please.

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I’ve been thinking on something while meditating over scripture I had read today. What came to me caused me to do a little further research and here is what I have found:

We get tired of waiting on God to do something about things that we pray over. I’m saying “we” because I know I’m not alone in this.

I want to pray and have it happen…like, now would be nice, right? When Jesus performed miracles he said “Your faith has healed you; get up and walk” or a similar phrase which pertained to their own infirmity. The healing was instantaneous. Just (snaps fingers) like that. That’s how I want my miracles to go. Just (snaps again) like that.

My initial thought was “He’s in the waiting” and I spiritually rolled my teenage eyes at the Holy Spirit (awful) and whined “Yes, I know God is in the waiting but if He’s here, why can’t He do something about it now?” If you are never, ever a wayward teenager when you respond to the Holy Spirit (God), then I applaud you. I’m still trying to grow up and straighten up (pretty sure I always will be) and sometimes my own spirit misbehaves. Maybe that’s just me.

The interesting thing is what I got in my spirit 𝘯𝘦𝘹𝘵. Yes, Jesus performed miracles and they happened immediately, upon command. I mean, He was Jesus, after all. But the people who we read about in the Bible who were healed had been struggling for a LONG time.

The paralyzed man at the Pool of Bethesda had been crippled for 38 years.

The woman with the issue of blood who touched the hem of His garment had been bleeding for twelve years.

Casting demons out of a man and into pigs – the Bible says he had been naked and homeless “for a long time.”

Lazarus had been dead and in the grave for four days when Jesus woke him. I assure you that, to Mary and Martha, four days without him seemed like an eternity. An. Absolute. Eternity. Trust me.

You’re probably seeing a pattern like I did by now but there are many more and all of them after long (or likely long) periods of suffering except for the man whose ear was sliced off when Jesus was detained. 𝘏𝘦 got healed immediately.

These people came to Jesus with faith that He could heal them. If they had faith that He could heal them, at least most of them were probably men and women of faith already. So, they had probably been praying for healing or easing of suffering for a long time.

Enter Jesus, stage left…

When Jesus woke Lazarus from the dead, he had received word six days earlier that Lazarus was very ill and He had been asked to come heal him.

Jesus’ response? No, we’re going to wait two more days. After two days he told the disciples that Lazarus was dead and they needed to go to him now.

“But when Jesus heard about it he said, “Lazarus’s sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this.” John‬ ‭11‬:‭4‬ ‭NLT‬‬

He waited for the glory of God. Jesus loved Lazarus so much that he wept over the suffering of Mary and Martha when he arrived. But before that, he waited. He told the disciples “Lazarus is dead. And for your sakes, I’m glad I wasn’t there, for now you will really believe. Come, let’s go see him.” John‬ ‭11‬:‭14b-15‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“For your sakes…” For your sakes… For YOUR sakes…

He waited for his friend to die so that others could experience the miracle that the Son of Man performed. So that they could be witness to His glory. He waited so that people would believe.

*********

I don’t like waiting; I’m no good at it. Well, strike that. I have the Fruit of the Spirit and patience is one of those…so I have it but I’m not well-practiced at it because I don’t like it. (There’s that pesky teenager again.)

But He IS in the waiting. If we are waiting for something to happen, it’s going to be in His timing and there’s going to be a reason for that timing. I don’t know what it is and you don’t either, but He has a purpose in the waiting.

That still doesn’t mean I have to like it…but I do have to trust it. And just maybe that will make patience a little easier to use. (But I’m not praying for patience; I’ll pray for grace. If you pray for patience, He may just give you another reason to need it.)