Tag: gratitude

Mountains & Molehills

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June 12th, 2023

If the mountain seems too big today, then climb a hill instead.

Today is an anthill kind of day. Not even the big kind with a huge underground network. A tiny one. Or a molehill.

I need to wash my hair today. But I’m not going to do it. I need to move furniture back to how it was before people started coming to give condolences about my husband. Not doing that either. I need to…I need to…I need to…to scream, but to do it somewhere that won’t cause the neighbors to call 9-1-1.

I need answers. I need peace. I need things to slow down and speed up at precisely the same time. I need…I need…I need…I need my husband back.

I almost didn’t even bother getting out of bed today but I had a counseling appointment. Thank goodness it was Telehealth and COVID taught us how to pretend to be dressed while online. Then I did do the dishes in the sink. I did tidy up the bathroom counters. I did clear away clutter from the sofa table. And then I quit, exhausted. I q-u-i-t, QUIT.

If only he’d come back, I’d clean every room, every corner, every baseboard, every nook & cranny. If only…If only…If only…

Ah, so there you are, dark, Bargaining stage of grief. What would I give up if someone could bring him back home to me? You drive a hard bargain but I’d give up anything, anything at all. I can even think of a few people I’d trade you but the worth won’t be the same as what you’d be returning to me…you could have them anyway, though, if you want…

Oops…yes, now you’ve seen it. Ugly. I don’t like Ugly. God doesn’t like Ugly. But Ugly and Angry usually show up together, often after Bargaining gives a flat-out NO on any very reasonable swaps. Angry is a real character and he appears to have a conjoined twin, attached at the hip, Ugly. Because hurt people hurt people, right?

And so, on these days, I stay alone. Angry and Ugly are typically teamed up with a whole entourage of Why’s and a gaggle of How Could’s. When all of them are together, boy, are they the perfect storm. You can scarcely breathe while being sucked into the tornadoes that spin in and out of this enormous gale. Time to batten down the hatches. Board up the windows. Sandbag the doors. Hole up in the basement, where they can’t reach you.

This is just another part of it, folks…the Grief. Not a pretty part, mind you. I don’t tell you this to excuse my awful attitude. I’m telling you so that, if you run into this storm one day after mine has passed, you can call me and I’ll either stay away or come hide in the basement with you (your choice.) But you aren’t in trouble for the fact that Ugly got a hold of you. She’s a ferocious, evil beast. (Pretty sure I’ve met her, personified, before…oh, no… See? There she is again. Ugly. Hateful thing, isn’t she?)

Listen, God made me human. He made me in His image but my emotions didn’t follow suit. I have to force myself to turn on the praise & worship music right in the middle of these stormy days. I don’t want to…I don’t want to…I don’t want to…so there.

But being a follower of Christ takes discipline. It means even when you want to slam the door and stick your tongue out, you don’t. Because it’s disrespectful. So, I turn the music on…it can just play in the background. It’s on but I don’t have to listen….

And there it is. I’m not actively listening but it is actively seeking me. “You’re a good, good Father. It’s who You are. It’s who You are. It’s who you are. And I am loved by you. It’s who I am. It’s who I am. It’s who I am. And You are perfect in all of Your ways…”

My mind (or Angry & Ugly tousling around up there) wants to scream “NONE OF THIS IS PERFECT! NONE OF IT! It wasn’t supposed to be like this! WHY???”

…”because You are perfect in all of Your ways. Lord, You are perfect in all of Your ways. Yes, You are perfect in all of Your ways to us….”

I still don’t really want to listen. I’m stubborn. I’m hurting. I’m lost. I’m so very sad. I don’t want to hear that these ashes can be turned into something beautiful.

Where is my “Strength for Fear” that You give out with the “Beauty for Ashes” combo? How about the “Peace for Despair?” Aren’t all of those a package deal? When do they turn up? Can’t I just have them now? Like a child having a tantrum when I don’t get ice cream before dinner, I want to lay down and kick my arms and legs. Because, like a child, I don’t know how to process this kind of loss, this kind of pain, this kind of anger.

But I’m not a toddler. I’m spiritually old enough to know that if He promises the ice cream after I take five more bites of the dreaded brussel sprouts…He’ll come through. Only thing is, with this part, He won’t tell me how many more bites so that I can count down backwards. Am I almost there? ‘Cause people keep saying I have a looooooong way to go. That the “ice cream” won’t be here for years.

I’m not going to “get over” losing Scott. I loved him and he will always be a part of me. But I do not have to wait to “get over” him in order to receive peace, to be given strength, to see the beauty traded for ashes. But I do have to look for them.

The longer I refuse to seek them, the longer they’ll be hidden. Praise & worship music is one way to seek. Even if I don’t want to listen, and I’m being stubborn and ugly about it, it seeps in through and around my sandbags and boarded up windows.

If I am grieving and have Ugly and Angry hanging on like Velcro, God gets it. He may not like it but He gets it. He intricately knows the emotions inside of us and He knows how Satan will try to use them against us. I’m not going to invite Guilt and Shame over for the party. I’m going to accept that these reactions are normal for humans and then I’m going to concentrate on the fact that I don’t like them and really don’t want to hang out around any of these stormy emotions.

Praise & Worship music is a vehicle. It drives me back to safety. If you find yourself stuck in the storm and need a lift, hop in. Your chariot awaits.

“Your praise will ever be on my lips…” 🎶

“I will praise the Lord at all times. I will constantly speak his praises. I will boast only in the Lord; let all who are helpless take heart. Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness; let us exalt his name together.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭34‬:‭1‬-‭3‬ ‭NLT‬‬

There is Always a Reason to be Grateful…Search for it.

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July 10th, 2023

I am thankful for my boys who always rally around me in times of great stress, loss, difficulty, and also celebration.

I am thankful for my adopted daughters. My sons aren’t married to them yet but these girls have already been mine for a long time.

I’m thankful for my sweet and, yes, adorable granddaughter who, I will say again, is good medicine in times of heartache.

I’m thankful for a wonderful extended family who is always wrapped around me when I need them the most.

I am thankful for in-laws who love me and whom I dearly love.

I am thankful for friends, so many amazing friends, who surround me with love and support.

I am thankful for my home and that it has always been a safe haven, a place of comfort and beautiful memories.

I am thankful for Jesus, my savior, and for the assurance that the name of the Lord is a strong tower where the righteous run into it and they are saved. He is my refuge and my strength. He is my portion forever. I speak the name of Jesus, plead the blood of Jesus over all circumstances in my life knowing His protection and His mercy are never ending and new every morning. It is now a new day and I am grateful for that.

There are so many other things to be thankful for. I’m looking for them every day, even on the ones that feel unbearable and when my troubles overwhelm me. I praise you, Father, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I praise You for blessings and mercies, favor and sparks of joy. I praise You for sunrises and sunsets that remind me that another day will follow this one. I praise You for being Alpha and Omega, beginning and the end, omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent. Thank you. ♥️

Here is a photo of just one of the things I’m thankful for…sleepy snuggles. 💕

Tater Tots & Tears

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June 9th, 2023

Well, today it was tater tots.

There is no planning anything during deep grief. You can’t really plan to go anywhere or do anything because the emotional roller coaster is constantly twisting and turning, going up and down at lightning speed.

I may be in the numb place, feeling dry and like things that “should” make me cry aren’t. I’m in the house where his memory is here, everywhere. But then I go to the grocery store and have to pull it together over tater tots (one of Scott’s favorite sides.) It was probably interesting to watch my face as I tried to hold back the floodwaters and the panicky feeling that tends to accompany the waterworks. Maybe no one was looking, engrossed in their own grocery list musings.

I may be already feeling close to the edge and avoid going anywhere because I don’t want to fall apart around a bunch of strangers and then, as I sit home, I go back to unfathomable levels of anger and then back to numb.

And so then you plan trips to the grocery store (or wherever) when it seems least likely that many people would be there. Like 10:30 on a weekday morning. (Of course, every checkout is maxed out when you walk in the door but you’re already there so you resolve to forge ahead and get this over with.)

There are still Godwinks in the storms, though. Today, just as I was thinking about tater tots, a long-time, very dear friend texts me just to say “Thinking about you this minute and wanted to tell you how much I love you. 💕” That’s the definition of a Godwink. I am about to drown in a puddle of my own mind’s making and God speaks to a friend, just as it happens, who hears the call and sends me a message to let me know that she is thinking of me and loves me. And in turn, the perfect timing of that message reminds me thst God does, too, and He is sending me tangible proof through the people who surround me, even when they’re not physically there.

You could say that it was a coincidence but there are no accidents. This is not the first time (in this tragedy nor in other difficult times in my life) when such a divine “coincidence” occurred. I daresay it happens quite regularly.

So 👀 LOOK 👀 for the Godwinks. You may miss them if you’re not paying attention. They’re there if you choose to recognize them for what they are. ♥️

Just Keep Swimming…

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June 5th, 2023

I curled my hair today.

That may not sound like much. But it is…much.

The day of Scott’s memorial service, I knew I probably 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 try to look presentable, to look pretty even. The service was for him, to say goodbye for now to him, and I should want to look beautiful for anything that was for him.

And if he were here, I so would have wanted to. If we had been honoring him for anything else, I would have taken plenty of time to get ready, dress up, hair & makeup, the whole nine yards, just because I would have been proud to be on his arm, by his side.

But that day, I just couldn’t make myself care. I remember thinking that there should be thunder and lightning outside. It should have been gray and dreary and…just sad outside. Why should I put on makeup when I knew I would cry it off? Why cover the black circles under my eyes when they only gave witness to what I felt? Why do my hair when I hoped that water would fall from the sky in torrents and somehow wind and rain would whisk me away to Oz or some sort of alternate reality where he was still alive and well and laughing? It felt pointless. I felt lost.

I’ve been to the store with, still, no makeup and a horrible pile of hair up on my head. I’ve not cared who saw me. I’ve gone on, done things that needed to be done, completed tasks that were expected of me. But I’ve done them begrudgingly, despite prayer and petition to the contrary.

Today I got up and washed my sheets. I went for a two mile walk. I took a shower and washed my hair. And then, tonight, I curled it.

I don’t want to be sad forever. Oh, I’m still very sad. Scott is everywhere I look. There are memories of him everywhere. But I want to be able to think of him one day and not be fighting off tears. I want to be able to think through happy memories and laugh like I would have if I was reminding him of those memories. And I don’t want to feel this overwhelming, heavy, dark sadness every day, forever.

I know, for a fact, that Scott wouldn’t have wanted that for me. It would make him miserable to see me as I am now, broken. And I know that God doesn’t want that for me. He promised to give me a hope and a future. It’s not the future I had planned, but if God is in the midst of it then it will still have joy one day. My future still holds a promise and the fact that I will see Scott in Heaven one day is not the only thing I should be focusing on.

I have a mission here, a God-given purpose. Somehow, I am still here for a reason.

So I curled my hair today. I tried to be a little bit of the person I usually am today. I can’t promise I’ll keep doing it all the time but I’m going to try, very hard, to remember all of the reasons I have to be thankful, grateful, happy here. And I truly do have so many.

Where there is great love, there is great loss…great grief. But I also have people who will “get in the mud” with me, as one reminded me today. People who will wait for me to be ready to climb out and then push me, pull me, let me stand on their backs to fight my way out of the muck.

And that is something to be grateful for. That is a reason to be happy. ♥️

What Matters Most in Marriage

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June 5th, 2023

Mine and Scott’s marriage was short by comparison to some. Yet in the relatively short time we have known, dated, been engaged, and then married to each other, we had far more than some relationships or marriages have in many, many more years. More love, more understanding, more trust, more consideration for each other, more happiness.

Several people have messaged me or spoken to me and told me they’ve never felt love like that. Some have been married. Some never have. Some still are.

All I can tell you about how we had what we had entails very few sticking points. I’ll try.

1.) Things were not always perfect even though, overall, our relationship was perfect for us. We had disagreements. We got frustrated. We had tons of external pressures (blending families will do that). We had people fighting against our happiness (blending families sometimes does that, too, although I’m thankful we always had great support from the people who counted.) We suffered through emotional losses together. We had financial challenges. We had health challenges. Things weren’t “perfect,” but we were.

We made an agreement early on in our relationship that there was NO giving up. We agreed never to quit. When we married, we didn’t just say vows at a ceremony, we made a covenant with God and each other and we both took it very seriously. This takes NOT a 50/50 relationship. This takes the kind where each person gives 100% to each other. And while there were times when I was ornery and didn’t give 100, and times when he was stubborn and didn’t give 100, we always, always met in the middle. We chose each other, every day.

2.) We had complete trust. He never, ever let me doubt that he would never even entertain the idea of being with someone else, or talk inappropriately to anyone else. He also knew with absolute certainty that I would not. We both knew that if we gave our all to each other, we didn’t need anyone else. But it still had to be 100/100. I’ve told you that he bragged on the fact that I was the love of his life to everyone he met. He showed pictures of me, videos, talked about our adventures, was giddy when I was going to be coming to see him or when he was on his way home to me. That gave me a complete trust and comfort in his absolute loyalty. People who know me will tell you I loved being by his side and was smitten with him even still. He was my missing piece and I was his. But that’s because we both committed to never looking for other puzzles to fit into.

3.) Communication. Scott and I had different love languages. We showed and received love in different ways. That was a challenge to navigate in the beginning. What I did to show love didn’t necessarily come across as love to him. The same was true in reverse. This meant that I had to learn how to show love in a way he understood BUT also meant he had to learn to accept love sometimes in the way I would naturally give it. This was not a one-way street. Many discussions took place to find ways to meet in the middle on this. Many. Neither of us started off as great communicators but we grew into great ones together, with each other. We learned to love each other in the ways we each needed. This made us each feel like the very most important person in the other’s life. Adored, treasured, loved immensely.

4.) A cord of three strands. God was in the center of our relationship. We kept Him there. We prayed over our kids, over our finances, over our marriage, over each other’s difficulties, over sickness. And because God was in it, we were each convicted any time one of us was letting our human nature take over our emotions. If I was being ugly because I was tired or frustrated or sad over something, God let me know it straight up. And we apologized after things like that, with humility and remorse. Then we both forgave situations like that, without question, with understanding, and still, with great love. For love covers a multitude of sins.

I’m sure there are more “things” that go into it but mostly what I’m trying to say is that if two people make a decision to grow together, it is possible to have the “perfect relationship” together, while keeping these things in mind and committing to them. It cannot be one-sided; both must take part and live in agreement to the principles herein.

Don’t give up seeking a love like this. Seek for it in your own marriage if you are married. Work for it! If you’re not married, don’t settle for less just to be with 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 because you CAN have more and could be with THE ONE instead. ♥️ The difference isn’t magic; the difference is work, commitment, determination, and letting Jesus be in the middle of it all. ♥️

And all of this is why I miss him so, so very much. 💔

𝔾𝕣𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕥𝕦𝕕𝕖 and Worship in Loss

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June 4th, 2023

It’s Sunday. My plan was to go to church but I had nightmares all night; I remember two of the dreams, specifically, in which other people I care about died as I watched. I’m mentally and emotionally drained and fatigued as I wake. I’ve decided to watch the service of my church online this morning.

The fellowship of corporate worship (going to church) is important. We need to surround ourselves with other believers to be reminded that we are not alone in this life and in our beliefs. When our faith feels weary and dim, those who have surrounded us in worship will pray for us and lift us up in loss. They help carry us until we can resume.

I don’t only “go to church” on Sundays. That is the day of corporate worship in our faith but, because I am a part of the Body of Christ (a body of worshippers which includes even many who attend different churches but are part of the same Body), I am wrapped in their care even when I am unable to be at a church service. Sometimes my “church service”, my worship, my prayer, is held alone in my bedroom or on a walk outside. In grief, sometimes I relish being surrounded by others and sometimes I need to be alone. So it is with spending time with God.

Rest is important, too. Without rest, it is easier to fall deeper into the blackened pit of despair. When my body, even my mind, needs rest, I try to heed that call, as well. Today I will worship from home and spend some time alone.

Today, I will focus on gratitude.

My soul is weary. It’s a weariness I cannot even describe so, for today, I will not even try. Suffice it to say that I feel “like I have nothing left”. I don’t mean that in the physical sense. I have beautiful, wonderful children and a granddaughter who just may have hung the moon. I have other loving family members and I have compassionate friends. What I mean is that it feels as if I have nothing left of myself to give. Right now, they are all giving to me (which, as a mother, causes guilt but I digress.) I feel as though I am an empty vessel with nothing left to pour out.

As I was pondering this feeling of emptiness this morning, how I have nothing left to give even if I did get up and get ready for church, God poured out some wisdom over me. I never have anything fit for a King. I am just Jennifer. I am a sinner, over and over again. What do I have that would even be worth giving to the One who so lovingly created me, who knit me together in my mother’s womb?

And so, quite instantly, two “Who Am I?” songs began to play in my mind.

The first to play was this one:

“Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way for my ever wandering heart?
Not because of who I am, but because of what You’ve done
Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who You are” (Who Am I? – Casting Crowns)

And the second song that quickly followed was this oldie-but-goodie:

“Over time You’ve healed so much in me,
And I am living proof.
That although my darkest hour had come,
Your light could still shine through.
Though at times it’s just enought to cast,
A shadow on the wall.
I am grateful that you’ve shined your light on me at all.

Who Am I,
That you would love me so gently?
Who Am I,
That you would recognize my name?
Who Am I,
That you would speak to me so softly?
Conversation with the Lord most high.
Who Am I?” (Who Am I? – Point of Grace)

And so, you see, these are both songs of gratitude because I have nothing else worthy of giving to the Lord Most High. Just gratitude. And that doesn’t have to mean I am thankful for these tragedies that have beset our lives at this time. I am not thankful today that Scott and Judah are gone from our presence while we desperately miss them. It means I am grateful for all that I have left. I am grateful that I am not Job. I am grateful because God loves me even in my darkest hour. Today, all that I have is a hallelujah.

“I’ve got one response.
I’ve got just one move.
With my arm stretched wide,
I will worship You.

So I throw up my hands
And praise You again and again
‘Cause all that I have is a hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
And I know it’s not much
But I’ve nothing else fit for a King
Except for a heart singing hallelujah.
Hallelujah.”

My mind, my soul needs rest. So I will still stay home today and God is okay with that. He just still wants to hear me worship from here. And so I will.