Tag: grief-stricken

𝔾𝕣𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕥𝕦𝕕𝕖 and Worship in Loss

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June 4th, 2023

It’s Sunday. My plan was to go to church but I had nightmares all night; I remember two of the dreams, specifically, in which other people I care about died as I watched. I’m mentally and emotionally drained and fatigued as I wake. I’ve decided to watch the service of my church online this morning.

The fellowship of corporate worship (going to church) is important. We need to surround ourselves with other believers to be reminded that we are not alone in this life and in our beliefs. When our faith feels weary and dim, those who have surrounded us in worship will pray for us and lift us up in loss. They help carry us until we can resume.

I don’t only “go to church” on Sundays. That is the day of corporate worship in our faith but, because I am a part of the Body of Christ (a body of worshippers which includes even many who attend different churches but are part of the same Body), I am wrapped in their care even when I am unable to be at a church service. Sometimes my “church service”, my worship, my prayer, is held alone in my bedroom or on a walk outside. In grief, sometimes I relish being surrounded by others and sometimes I need to be alone. So it is with spending time with God.

Rest is important, too. Without rest, it is easier to fall deeper into the blackened pit of despair. When my body, even my mind, needs rest, I try to heed that call, as well. Today I will worship from home and spend some time alone.

Today, I will focus on gratitude.

My soul is weary. It’s a weariness I cannot even describe so, for today, I will not even try. Suffice it to say that I feel “like I have nothing left”. I don’t mean that in the physical sense. I have beautiful, wonderful children and a granddaughter who just may have hung the moon. I have other loving family members and I have compassionate friends. What I mean is that it feels as if I have nothing left of myself to give. Right now, they are all giving to me (which, as a mother, causes guilt but I digress.) I feel as though I am an empty vessel with nothing left to pour out.

As I was pondering this feeling of emptiness this morning, how I have nothing left to give even if I did get up and get ready for church, God poured out some wisdom over me. I never have anything fit for a King. I am just Jennifer. I am a sinner, over and over again. What do I have that would even be worth giving to the One who so lovingly created me, who knit me together in my mother’s womb?

And so, quite instantly, two “Who Am I?” songs began to play in my mind.

The first to play was this one:

“Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way for my ever wandering heart?
Not because of who I am, but because of what You’ve done
Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who You are” (Who Am I? – Casting Crowns)

And the second song that quickly followed was this oldie-but-goodie:

“Over time You’ve healed so much in me,
And I am living proof.
That although my darkest hour had come,
Your light could still shine through.
Though at times it’s just enought to cast,
A shadow on the wall.
I am grateful that you’ve shined your light on me at all.

Who Am I,
That you would love me so gently?
Who Am I,
That you would recognize my name?
Who Am I,
That you would speak to me so softly?
Conversation with the Lord most high.
Who Am I?” (Who Am I? – Point of Grace)

And so, you see, these are both songs of gratitude because I have nothing else worthy of giving to the Lord Most High. Just gratitude. And that doesn’t have to mean I am thankful for these tragedies that have beset our lives at this time. I am not thankful today that Scott and Judah are gone from our presence while we desperately miss them. It means I am grateful for all that I have left. I am grateful that I am not Job. I am grateful because God loves me even in my darkest hour. Today, all that I have is a hallelujah.

“I’ve got one response.
I’ve got just one move.
With my arm stretched wide,
I will worship You.

So I throw up my hands
And praise You again and again
‘Cause all that I have is a hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
And I know it’s not much
But I’ve nothing else fit for a King
Except for a heart singing hallelujah.
Hallelujah.”

My mind, my soul needs rest. So I will still stay home today and God is okay with that. He just still wants to hear me worship from here. And so I will.

God, Make Me a Warrior

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June 2nd, 2023

I just received a letter from the Florida Board of Nursing about Scott.

It says they learned from the Office of Vital Statistics that Scott is deceased and so they have nullified his nursing license and moved his address of record from their database.

I want to scream “HOW DARE YOU??? He still lives here!!! And you can’t take his license!!! It is HIS; he worked hard for it AND he worked hard because of it and 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘯𝘰 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵!!!”

I’m angry. And I know that it doesn’t make ANY sense to be angry about that. No, he doesn’t actually live here anymore, even though every glance about this house 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴 his memory at every moment. And no, he’ll never work as a nurse again but he lived and 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘥 taking care of other people when he was here so why would you want to strip his memory of that???

And so, again, I break. This fragile house of cards that I keep building over and over again just gets blown over in one…𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩.

These are the moments I have to remind myself that God is here, in even these details. See, this isn’t all flowers and rainbows and Heavenly clouds. I’m here almost every day telling you that you have to lean on God in all of these circumstances in my writing. And that’s still true. But I’m not going to tell you that it always “comes naturally” or is easy or is second nature at all times. I have to remind myself why I know where my help comes from. I have to purposely remember times where He has absolutely been there before and how I know it was Him. This whole thing is 𝙨𝙥𝙞𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙪𝙖𝙡 𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙛𝙖𝙧𝙚, all of it! Satan tries, at every turn, to scream in my ear “Where is God now? Why bother worshipping Him if you can’t even feel Him here when you need Him the most?”

Oh, but God didn’t build me into a warrior for nothing. I’ve 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘥 for this. I never, ever wanted to fight in this kind of battle but I’m here for it. And when I feel angry or devastated or alone, I can remind myself of who I am and whose I am. I AM THE DAUGHTER OF A KING and our victories (mine AND Scott’s) have already been won, no matter what stupid obstacles get thrown in my way.

And maybe you can tell, from this writing, what happens when I make a conscious decision whose side I’m taking in this. My power comes back. It courses through me now as strongly as the anger did before. I am still sad and angry that this happened; that’s not going to change. But I can manage the effects of it better when He covers me.

So if you are feeling helpless, alone, overwrought, like this never-ending cycle is too exhausting and too much to bear, turn. Turn around and agree with His promises that He would never leave you or forsake you. You will 𝘯𝘰𝘵 suddenly feel overjoyed. The tragedy will not reverse itself. But you will feel an ability to keep going and fight back against the oppression of despair. He’s got you. Fight to get back to Him when you get pulled away. Even if your fight comes in a whisper or a scream.

All of the Things…

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June 2nd, 2023

Finances are a big thing for anyone. They’re definitely a big thing in marriage.

When Scott and I were dating, engaged, and then married, we had both been married before. We both had children from previous marriages. We both had financial habits and had suffered financial damage from those marriages/divorces. We each had our own way of doing things as a result of those past marriages. We both were a little gun shy about letting someone else have any control over our financial situations.

I’ve said before that I was fiercely independent. I’d been raising three boys on my own for quite awhile and had found a sort of balance. I had often worked a lot of overtime to make ends meet but I had found a way to make that work. I didn’t want to rock the boat.

Scott had worked a lot of overtime just to stay afloat during his previous marriage due to overspending habits he had little control over. He was more recently divorced and he wanted to maintain his newfound control over money and he didn’t ever want to be in his previous financial condition again.

We overcame that together. Trust was a huge part of it and yet we still had hiccups trying to figure it out along the way. We both made mistakes and we solved them together. Ultimately, because of that trust, I gave over my control to him. Mind you, I still had the ability to use money anytime I wanted to but we talked about things, agreed on how to manage situations, and managed to figure it out together without causing friction.

I confess that Scott spoiled me, a lot. If he knew I wanted something, he just wanted me to have it eventually. His last large gift to me was at Christmas last year. We had a new grandbaby on the way, our first. He knew I love taking pictures and how much I love going through photos of the boys when they were little. He’d comment on what good photos they were. So when Lillian was nearing arrival, he bought me an expensive camera and many setup items to be able to take quality photos of her. (He was every bit as excited about her getting here as I was, so much so that he stood behind the curtain in Patrice’s delivery room and audio recorded Lillian’s first cry and the ensuing elation.)

So allowing him to manage most of our bill payments, frivolous spending money, and big purchases (still with my input on bigger purchases) became easier and I was comfortable letting him “take over.”

But here we are today…

Today he is no longer here to manage things. It’s not that I can’t start doing it again. I just don’t want to. I want him to be here; having to manage the bills and money again is just another reminder that he is not. There is a kind of defiance in me that wants to say “This isn’t what I wanted so I’m just not going to do the things I don’t want to do.” Not a very effective strategy for the future.

There are also issues related to income, obviously. When I say Scott retired me two years ago, I mean that I fought him on it before we got there but relented after awhile, so that’s why I say “he retired me.” He knew the mental trauma of being an empath and a nurse had taken its toll on me in my nearly thirty year career and he hated what it was doing to me. I was miserable. I still had, however, the idea that I needed to provide, too, because I had been a sole provider for so long prior to meeting him. Even though Scott went into the military straight out of high school and went to war soon thereafter, he would say “I haven’t even been a nurse for twenty years and you have been for almost thirty. It just makes sense for you to retire awhile before I do. Plus you can visit me a lot more on assignment and I miss you!” Even though he had worked just as many years as I. A compelling argument, though; I’d get to spend more time with my person. Thus I “gave in” and retired from my nursing career. And I loved it.

Yes, I struggled with “purpose” but then Lillian was on her way and I was going to be a stay-at-home Lolly (my “grandma name.”) while my son worked and finished college and my daughter-in-love started nursing school. So getting used to it wasn’t as hard as I had imagined. My life had somehow become perfect. The best husband ever, best kids ever, best new daughters ever, and the perfect new granddaughter.

It’s a tragic and devastating fall from perfect to now. I still have so many of the perfect pieces but the one that is missing means you can’t ever have the satisfaction of completing the entire puzzle.

Now, suddenly, the debt-to-income ratio feels suffocating and that makes me want to deal with it even less, despite the fact that, in the middle of grief, 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘰.

When your mind is at its most defenseless and distracted place, it is necessary to find a way to complete tasks that not only break your heart all over again (telling what feels like a gazillion people that my husband has passed away and hearing just as many “I’m sorry for your loss” comments) and that are important but feel impossible.

Asking for forebearances while you figure things out. Seeking ways to be creative with expenses. Cancelling unnecessary expenditures like TV streaming services, lawn maintenance service, the highest speed internet plan. Googling what probate even 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘴 when you really just knew that it was something that happens when someone dies before. Talking to attorneys. It all just adds up to a LOT to think about when you can’t concentrate enough to string sentences together in conversation at times.

This is not a plea for any kind of sympathy. Remember, this is part of the grief journey I’m sharing and it won’t hurt my feelings if you skip this “chapter” of it. It’s a part of my new reality. It’s just another one of the things that I hate about this “new normal” everyone keeps talking about.

“You’ve just got to find your new normal.”
“What if I liked my old normal? Can I return this one without the receipt? Do you allow exchanges?” But this wasn’t buyers remorse. I never agreed to this…it wasn’t my idea…let me speak to the manager…

So now, with a brain full of mush, I’m trying to think straight enough to do all of the things.

And I’m still going to remember that God is in the smallest details. He has a way of giving me guidance on how to proceed even when I least want to proceed and don’t even know how.

I’ve always said that I’m not good at subtlety and God is a master of it sometimes. I’m the girl who wants the neon signs (like the day I met Scott for the first time.) But I’ve also always said that I k͛n͛o͛w͛ God is speaking to me when the voice in my head says something that I would never suggest myself. Today He is saying “You can do this.” And that’s not something I would say right now at all.