VERY IMPORTANTLY EDITED TO ADD:
For those of you just joining the merry-go-round ride that has been my life, the posts up until this one have been about learning to a single mom, learning to be alone, learning to persevere, learning to be okay with just being me, not a part of an us.
And I had finally become okay with it. I was, yes, somewhat jaded, but I had decided that I was better off alone than with the wrong person.
Then the right person…the only person…came along. This post was made five days after my very first date with my husband (yes, my second husband but the one who God sent to me,) my soulmate. Did you know that I met him somewhere around two weeks before and already knew we were meant to be together? That God was somehow whispering in my ear: “This is him…now you’re ready…”
I don’t know why words, writing, has only every come to me in darkness; it’s when God speaks to me more clearly, I suppose. And perhaps I should take that as a hint, now that I think about it. Maybe I’m just listening more intently in darkness.
If you’re just now jumping in, during my exhaustive grief journey, learning about this thing I am calling my life but have yet to fully understand, I wanted you to know that this was him. If you go back and look at the dates yourself, there was this huge gap between when I met him and when he unwillingly left me…and that was the time that I wasn’t sad. The time that I wasn’t in the dark. The time that I was truly loved.
AUGUST 18th, 2013
Is today a new day? Is a new hour actually at hand? Seconds tick by on the clock of human existence and I wait, still hesitant to believe that a change would ever come.
A standstill has been in effect. A time warp has presided over life and love for what has seemed like centuries…or has it been minutes? No. Time has halted in an effort to thwart the loss of any further tears in the form of love blood lost in the heat of a heart’s battle. Time stopped for me because I became jaded. It stopped because I was lost. How can one go on looking when one knows the consequences of heartache? Of the murderous slaughter of one’s former understanding of “love”? How?
But…well…I digress.
So, has time now begun to move forward again? I am afraid to feel the merry-go-round begin to spin in its ever-forward, mild and perpetual motion. I fear the haunting noise of the childish, happy music and the laughter, feigning joy and bubbling sanguine spirit as the ride speeds slowly upon its course to full speed. And yet the most gentle and benign of all excursions is like a death-defying roller coaster of doom to my pitiable countenance. Who will calm my hysteria? How can my panic be allayed?
Whispering winds float between the whimsical horses: “Sois Courageuse”. There is only one way. Only one source has the influence to overcome past wrongdoing and defy fear itself. “Sois Courageuse” – “Be Brave” The horses in their painted costumes prance merrily around the circuit and I feel a childish amusement returning as I watch. Standing, carefully but feeling just the beginning of a carefree skip, only the rider can choose the mount. Is today really a new day? Is a new hour truly at hand? Where is the clock? How does one know?…
God is in the Outcome 