July 4th, 2023
I’m reading in (well, listening to) Genesis today. Not the place you might typically go if you’re just grabbing the Bible and looking for a place to read from but I’m feeling like I’ve been taken down and backwards, a long, long way down and backwards. It feels like, no matter how many steps I take, I can never get back to a place as happy as where I fell from. Especially when it feels like two steps forward, five steps back.
So, as I was thinking about where to direct my steps today, I was told “back to the beginning.”
I was able to listen to part of a book on tape yesterday and retain some of the story so I decided to let my YouVersion Bible app read to me this morning. This might seem obvious but I didn’t think of it until now, regarding my difficulties reading lately.
What I came here to tell you about, as I stopped and listened over and over again to a few verses, is that I found a specific prayer in the scripture that wasn’t written as a prayer. Maybe it will help you, too.
The passage is Genesis 12:1-3 and it is innocuous enough that normally I would have just kept listening on ahead. Something told me (if you have a relationship with the Holy Spirit, you know how this works) to stop here and pay attention. So I listened over and over looking for what I was supposed to find. What was the application point here? Here is the scripture:
“The Lord had said to Abram, “Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father’s family, and go to the land that I will show you. I will make you into a great nation. I will bless you and make you famous, and you will be a blessing to others. I will bless those who bless you and curse those who treat you with contempt. All the families on earth will be blessed through you.””
Genesis 12:1-3 NLT
Here’s what I came up with:
In this passage, God makes a few promises to Abram (later to be called Father Abraham “had many sons 🎶”)
He promises to Abraham His presence and His guidance (“go to the land that I will show you,”) His protection (“I will bless those who bless you and curse those who treat you with contempt,”) His favor (“I will bless you…and you will be a blessing to others,”) and finally His provision (because if He promises He will get Abram to the place He is showing him to go, then He will provide what is needed to get there – that part is not specifically written but implied.)
I realized that those are all things I need from God right now.
I have been having difficulty 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 His presence. God is omnipresent – He is everywhere so I know He is always with me. There have been times in my life when I could feel that presence with an unexplainable surety. Sometimes that surety is in retrospect.
All I felt was loss and disbelief when the doctors came to tell me that Scott was gone. But now I can see that, as I slid down that wall to become a nearly liquid pile of bones, muscles, organs, skin, and clothing on the floor, I know He was there. If He wasn’t, I couldn’t have gotten up after a few minutes (seconds? hours?) to stand and say “Take me to him. Now, please.” So, I need His presence and I’ll be asking to feel it.
I need His guidance because there are so many unknowns in this new part of life that I’m supposed to keep living in. There are many things about which I still do not know what to do or how to recover. There are things on the horizon that I have no idea how to walk through. I need His provision because of some of those unknowns, too.
I need His protection in more ways than one. God was always part of my protection detail; He was the head of it, actually. But Scott was a tangible part of it and he took that very seriously.
Scott liked that I have a loud and scary dog (who is friendly with family and close friends who are here often but can be dangerous if the need arises.)
Scott installed so many security cameras in and around our house that you can’t get away with anything. Don’t pick your nose as you’re walking by our house; we’ll see it.
We get notifications on our phones anytime someone walks across the grass, pulls in the driveway, or goes into our back yard via either side of the house. One button calls 9-1-1 and the fire department got here in literally a few minutes when we needed them.
Scott took me to the firing range and taught me to shoot a “pew-pew” (lest FB censor me over words.)
I’m also armed with a son who is quite adept at Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and lives in my house. I have two sons a mile away who are also happy to take up where Scott left off in making sure I’m safe. They’ll be armed, too, if a distress call goes out.
Scott made it so he wouldn’t have to worry much when he wasn’t home because I’m protected by many layers (I won’t even say the rest of them here; you get the picture.)
Just not having HIM here makes me feel frightened and vulnerable even if I’m not really – not of burglars but of missing a huge part of my protective detail. I’m missing that tangible part…the one who made sure.
But I also need God to protect my thoughts. I need angels to fight against demons that are consistently trying to invade my mind. If you aren’t sure about spiritual warfare, I can assure you that it exists. I need help climbing out of this pit, much of which is in my mind. Mind you, it being “in my head” doesn’t make it a lesser physical danger to my well-being.
Since God is not only omnipresent but is also omniscient (all knowing) and omnipotent (all powerful), He is the only One who can cover all of the bases of my protection.
I will also be praying for favor. Our lives have been turned upside down with the loss of my nephew and my husband. It still feels like we literally don’t know which way is up. If you’ve ever been boogie boarding or surfing in the ocean and been tumbled by a wave, you know this feeling. It feels like, for a few seconds, you’re not even sure which way to swim to get to the air. Except it feels like I haven’t taken a breath in almost two months. I’ll ask for favor last because, with the rest of these requests, I can survive. Favor in various areas of my life will just mean that eventually it starts to get better.
I cannot imagine ever being “okay” with Scott not being here. It’s not okay. But I hate the weight of this sadness and yet feel guilty when I have a moment that I’m thinking about anything else. People will tell me “Scott wouldn’t want you to feel that way” or “You have no reason to feel guilty for continuing to live” but when you live through this kind of grief, you learn that words don’t matter. Everyone wants to say something to help because they truly, desperately want to help. They would do anything to ease your pain. But none of the words work. That’s another place where God’s provision will come in. (And I’ll take prayers any day of the week!)
So, I will be praying daily for God to show His presence, grant me His guidance and provision, for His protection, and for favor.
And for healing. Especially healing. Not just for me but for my sister’s family, Scott’s parents, our kids, and our extended families. When your world gets rocked like this, there is a lot of collateral damage. We all need to heal.
Praying blessings over all who read this today, especially if you’re walking any path like mine.
God is in the Outcome 