July 9th, 2023
Grief is messy.
It makes your future messy. It makes your heart messy. It makes emotions (super) messy. It makes your makeup messy (if you bother to put any on at some point.) It makes families messy. It makes finances messy. It makes plans, dreams, hopes, desires, all of it…just messy.
It is like a whirlwind of chaos, a tornado, sweeping through anything and everything in its path. It doesn’t discriminate. It does not care if you have to go out in public or are staying home. It doesn’t care whether you have the strength to deal with it today or not. It does not care at all, about anything. It just likes to blow everything over in its way.
One person will tell you that there are five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Another fella came along and added Guilt (an apt addition) and Reconstruction. Then someone else decided that hope goes with acceptance and shock and isolation go along with denial. I have discovered that shock and isolation last through all of the other stages for a long time and that hope may or may not be present with Bargaining, as well. Finally, they’ve added in “Complicated Grief” (but isn’t all grief complicated?) also known as “Prolonged Grief Disorder.” Think of this whole grief thing as a multi-course meal and, if you eat all of your vegetables then you get dessert…Complicated.
What they don’t like to tell you up front, kind of like a car salesman with the add on fees that magically appear at the end of your contract and don’t make any sense whatsoever, is that these “stages” not only do not arrive in any particular order or with any sensible notice, but also that you will revisit each one over…and over…and over…ad nauseam.
Do not leave home; grief is behind the wheel. Do not make plans; grief is in charge of the calendar. Do not expect to sleep; grief dictates the schedule of the sandman. If you do sleep, do not expect to experience rest; grief decides what movie will be showing that night. Do not go grocery shopping; grief throws a party on whatever aisle he wants to. Basically, if you’re grieving, the safest thing to do is nothing…nothing at all.
But who is grief? A thief in the night? (The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; John 10:10) A roaring lion? (Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8) A snake in the grass? (…that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray…was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him. Revelation 12:9) A liar? A murderer? (…He was a murderer from the beginning and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him…for he is a liar and the father of lies. John 8:44)
But God is only good. (Give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good. Psalm 136:1)
Trust me when I tell you that grief is a daily, nightly, constant attack. It is like being in a battle for your life every moment, all the time. It is a fight to save your own life as you are blanketed in despair over the loss of someone else’s. It is flaming arrows, armor piercing bullets, canons, and air to ground missiles. It is constantly running away from the next potential ambush which could end up being in exactly the direction you are speeding toward. It’s exhausting. It’s incessant. It’s unfair…because who ever said war was fair?
And grief is confusing. You’ve been trained to be in battle. You’re a soldier. You know all about the armor of God, what each piece is for, how to get dressed. You’ve been briefed on what tactics the enemy will use to get to you. Nevertheless, you find yourself confounded, as if you have been slipped a mickey and suddenly your thoughts are warped. Time, itself, is bending and twisting out of shape. You feel yourself moving in slow motion and yet you see the world flying by at warp speed just by looking out the window. Without warning, nothing makes sense anymore.
But every once in a while, you are able to pull yourself together enough to remember appropriate tactics for victory. Sometimes your thoughts come together, as if the enemy forgot to dose you in time. On occasion, you recognize the sound of help charging across the horizon and you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that rescue is imminent. If only you could leave enemy territory before grief catches up to you again.
God has a way of reaching out for you, always. He remains steadfast in times of uncertainty, loss, fear, devastation, mutiny, disregard, and disobedience. When He reaches, you have to reach back.
Prayer, scripture, quiet moments of listening for the whispers, the messages of wise counsel, music, worship, gratitude, and praise are all at your disposal at all times. If you are unable to access one, reach for another.
As always, I am creating reminders for myself, but maybe you hear my battle cry from the prison where you are locked up. From one prisoner of grief to another, I’m shouting to you to let you know how you can reach the key to your cell in order to free yourself.
While you start reaching for yours, I’ll be over here working on getting out myself. I know of someone who definitely wants me to find my way out.
See that victory sign?
God is in the Outcome 