Tag: wife

Grief Just Doesn’t Make Sense

Published on by God is in the OutcomeLeave a comment

July 5th, 2023

𝘎𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘧 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴𝘯´𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦.

I can be “okay” watching TV, nothing on that pulls heart strings or anything (which is on purpose), no scene comes up that reminds me of anything, NO “trigger” at all….

I say “okay” because I don’t know what else to call it. It means I am currently floating on the top of the salty water but still out to sea.

And it hits. A giant wave 🌊 that I didn’t see or hear coming up behind me crashes over my head and slams me to the coarse sand and sharp crushed seashells at the bottom. I’m tumbling over and over trying to catch my breath as tears materialize from nowhere.

As I’m crying, I’m saying “Where did this come from??? I was fine.” And there is no answer. No reply. No sudden realization of what caused this new onslaught of despair all over again.

The thing is, it doesn’t have to make sense. It just is. Just like when he died. Why he died. How he died. None of it makes sense because it shouldn’t have happened.

Scott dying doesn’t have to make sense. It just is. There is no way to make it make sense but also no way to reverse time and change it.

I savagely interrogate myself. What could I have done differently? What could have changed the outcome? What could have kept him here? Despite the ferociousness with which I scourge myself, the answer is still the same…nothing. Dismally I realize, again, that the only things that could have been done to allow him to still be here were completely out of my hands, out of my control.

I had no control at that time and I have none now over these incessant waves of grief and torment. I’m floating in a sea of uncertainty, unable to predict the next storm of epic proportions or the next monster that will drag me under, with no land, life raft, or rescue vessel in sight.

Except…in desperation I reach for the One who made the wind and waves. And who calmed them.

As Jesus walked across the water toward the boat, Peter said to him, “Lord, if it is you then tell me to come to you on the water.” Jesus beckoned him to come. Peter stepped out on the water and began to walk on top of its surface. He had just asked Jesus to call to him to come, knowing in that moment that if Jesus called him to do it, he would be capable of doing it. Moments later, however, as he did indeed walk on the water, he quickly forgot that the power of Jesus was providing him with the ability to do it. He somehow forgot this even as he was actually doing it! He lost faith even while Jesus was being faithful. (Matthew 14:22-33)

I’m doing that very thing often. God has been faithful. He has shown His faithfulness in many other times in my life. I have testimonies of specific things that could not have occurred in the natural, only the supernatural. BUT GOD, in so many things.

Even now, I know He is here…but I forget. When the waves shove me under, I let my emotions overwhelm me and then I cannot find my way back to the top to breathe freely. I forget for awhile to look for the source of all hope. I forget that the only way I am making it through this is because of Him. I forget, when I am near drowning in my own sorrow, to look for the hand that will always be reaching out for me to save me from even myself.

As I’m typing this, words begin to fill my head.

They’re from a song that Chris Tomlin sings called “He is With Us.” I know exactly how the words were placed there for me. Part of it goes like this:

“Remember when your hope is lost and faith is shaken.
Remember when you wonder if you’re gonna make it.
There’s a hand stretched out through your deepest doubt.
We can’t pretend to see the ending or what’s coming up ahead,
To know the story of tomorrow,
But we can stay close to the One who knows.

We can trust our God;
He knows what He’s doing.
Though it might hurt now,
We won’t be ruined.
It might seem there’s an ocean in between
But He’s holding on to you and me
And He’s never gonna leave, no.
He is with us. He is with us.
Always, always.
He is with us. He is with us.
Always.”

I trust you, Jesus. The current storm and waves have calmed, just as Jesus told them to so many years ago when he was on the water with his disciples. Faith activates relief. It silences the screaming words of the enemy with just a whisper.

For now, I am “okay” again.

Grief Has No Timetable

Published on by God is in the OutcomeLeave a comment

July 3rd, 2023

Not being able to think of words to pray when I want to reach out to God for help in this season has been hard. I have started to pray, many times, and have fallen into tears because what I really want to ask is something that won’t happen this side of Heaven. Consequently, I can’t even think of words for anything else. I often just pray “I trust you, Jesus” because I know He will deliver me through this darkness. Other than that, few words have come on their own.

The Bible has many prayers and reminders tucked within its pages. But reading is difficult, too. When I try to read any book, it feels like I’m reading something written in a foreign language. It’s like I can pronounce the words but few of them are making sense or I cannot retain the words that are strung together in a sentence long enough to obtain comprehension.

The thing about reading my Bible, though, as opposed to a novel, is that I know what the Bible says about things we go through in life. It says to trust Him, to obey His Word. I can sit down with my Bible and read aloud and know that I am praying His will into my life. If you were to ask me what I just read/prayed, I may say that I’m not even sure, or I may be able to tell you what book and chapter I was reading from but not give you much context at this point. The important thing is that I am speaking His Word, and out loud because His Word holds power on my tongue.

Grief has no timetable. There is no agenda or list of tasks I can mark off. There is no foreseeable end date. There is no future date I can look forward to or count down towards when it will “get easier” because grief does it’s own thing inside each of us and there are many variables. The only thing I have to cling to is the Word of God which tells me He is faithful. From the history of my own life, I can pull specific passages of time that speak to His goodness, His faithfulness, His comfort, and His strength given over to me. By this I know that I will have endurance through this passage of time because He won’t leave me in it alone.

Today, these are just a few of the passages that I have pulled strength from.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭6‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭31‬:‭6‬, ‭8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Hear me, Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am faithful to you; save your servant who trusts in you. You are my God; have mercy on me, Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, Lord, for I put my trust in you. You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Hear my prayer, Lord; listen to my cry for mercy. When I am in distress, I call to you, because you answer me. Among the gods there is none like you, Lord; no deeds can compare with yours. All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, Lord; they will bring glory to your name. For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God. Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths, from the realm of the dead.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭86‬:‭1-13

This photo of Scott, in a Google Photos slideshow, just popped up this morning right as I was finishing reading in Psalms. I noticed something in the clouds today that I had never seen before in this photo. It reminded me that Scott was also not alone when he left that night. And he knew he wasn’t leaving me alone, either. He wasn’t afraid to go because he knew he would see me soon (in his current understanding of the passage of time) and that He was leaving me with the greatest source of love, protection, strength, and comfort until that time. He knew I’d be held until he could hold me, when we would worship together again. Until then, my love. ♥️🌅

My Best Friend

Published on by God is in the OutcomeLeave a comment

June 29th, 2023

My husband was, wholly and completely, truly and honestly, my very best friend in the whole wide world.

Some of you may think that is “co-dependence.” Some may think it’s “a little much.” Others might say I’m exaggerating. If you’re one of these, I’m so sorry (for you) that you don’t understand.

I think that’s how it should be. If something made me happy, he’s the one I would call. If something made me sad, he was the one I’d call. Excited? Him. Lonely? Him. Frustrated. Him. Overjoyed? Him. You get the picture.

I think that is one of the hardest parts. I literally want to call him every single day. Several times. I want to text him. I want to FaceTime him. I want him 𝘵𝘰. 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦. 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘦.

I don’t know how to reconcile the healthy, smiling, happy, loving, kind person he was with the one who is 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬. How is this even real life??? We should be sitting on the patio, watching the dogs play and talking about Lillian swimming in the pool. We should have eaten dinner together tonight. We should be deciding what to watch on TV before bed. We should just BOTH be here.

Moments like this are really, exceptionally hard to redirect and they attack out of thin air, just materializing with no forewarning. This whole week has been difficult, if I’m being honest. We’re 2/3 into the second month he’s been gone and instead of getting any “easier,” it’s getting more and more REAL.

I don’t want to do this. I wasn’t supposed to be doing any of this, this life, without him. I’m older than him. He was in his FORTIES. What makes that fair or right or okay? Nothing. And nothing ever will.

So here, for tonight, this is my reminder. It is a song by Casting Crowns and this song is what fills my head as I type this. “You’re not alone…” because God speaks when my heart is weary and hurting.

If I listen, He will always speak.

(Link to the song is below the lyrics if you would like to hear it. Play it loud just for me.)

“Oh, my soul.
Oh, how you worry,
Oh, how you’re weary, from fearing you’ve lost control.
𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘚 𝘞𝘈𝘚 𝘛𝘏𝘌 𝘖𝘕𝘌 𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 𝘠𝘖𝘜 𝘋𝘐𝘋𝘕´𝘛 𝘚𝘌𝘌 𝘊𝘖𝘔𝘐𝘕𝘎
And no one would blame you, though,
If you cried in private,
If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows…
No one will see, if you stop believing.

Oh, my soul,
You are not alone.
There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know.
One more day. He will make a way.
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down.
‘Cause you’re not alone.

Here and now,
You can be honest;
I won’t try to promise that someday it all works out,
‘Cause this is the valley
And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones.
And there will be dancing.
There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone.
This much I know.

Oh, my soul,
You are not alone.
There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know.
One more day…He will make a way.
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down.

I’m not strong enough! I can’t take anymore!
(You can lay it down. You can lay it down.)
And my shipwrecked faith will never get me to shore.
(You can lay it down. You can lay it down.)
Can He find me here?
Can He keep me from going under?

Oh, my soul,
You are not alone.
There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know.
One more day, He will make a way.
Let Him show you how you can lay this down.

‘Cause you’re not alone.
Oh, my soul, you’re not alone”

Missing My Heartbeat

Published on by God is in the OutcomeLeave a comment

June 19th, 2023

I went to the next town over to eat lunch with a sweet friend today and so I drove around thirty minutes home afterwards. As I was on the way home, a song I like came on. I turned it up…loud. This used to drive Scott crazy so I didn’t do it often when he was in the car but sometimes you just need to hear a song LOUD. You need to feel it inside of you.

One of the biggest selling points when I bought my vehicle was that it came with Bose speakers. There’s nothing like it. An old dirt road, sunroof open (not today, it’s rainy), and good music. Singing at the top of your lungs. It feels like freedom and sunshine and sparkles and love sometimes. All things good.

But today, as it rained, I turned it up loud and this particular song had a strong bass beat. The kind that, when you turn it up, you feel that beat in your chest. The vibration, for me, is soothing. It’s like the presence of something that you can feel but cannot see: music, rhythm, love, joy, peace, God. All of these are things you cannot see but can feel their presence.

Today, that rhythm suddenly felt like my heartbeat. And I realized it was the first time I have felt my heartbeat in over a month.

I’m not exaggerating when I say Scott still made my heart beat faster when he wrapped his arms around me and told me how much he loved me. I could physically feel what some people describe as butterflies but, for me, was the pitter-pat of my heart speeding up. I’m no young, spring chicken so some of you would think that’s something I should have had checked out but my heart is fine, physically. It just recognized his nearness.

Today, as that beat vibrated in my chest, I remembered how much I’ve missed that feeling.

We were not perfect. We weren’t the perfect couple. We fussed and argued sometimes. We got aggravated with each other. We said sorry. We got used to each other’s quirks and peculiar idiosyncrasies.

What made us perfect for each other is that we both wholeheartedly believed that this was forever. We knew we were in it and there was no backing out. There was safety and trust in our togetherness. I could be in a mood and act like a brat; he wasn’t threatening to go anywhere and I knew he wouldn’t. He could be in a mood and be negative and uncompromising; I never said I’d leave and he knew I never would. Now, we both tested those boundaries a bit early on because we’d been through some difficult relationships and situations prior to meeting each other. Long before we decided to get married, we talked at length and decided there would be no backing out. And then, neither of us took advantage of that promise by doing things to hurt the other. We took the commitment, the covenant, seriously.

There is always going to be something that you don’t like about someone. Sometimes Scott could be negative. He would say he was being a realist. I would say he was jaded by past circumstances. I’m generally an eternal optimist. I give people the benefit of the doubt too often sometimes and that bothered Scott because he didn’t want people to hurt me. His “realist” would butt heads with my “idealist” a lot of times. We decided that, rather than separate us, we would allow it to balance us. Opposites attract sometimes because you need each other. You can choose to let those things balance you or to let them tear you apart depending on whether you’re willing to meet in the middle.

Missing my heartbeat does make me sad but I’m not in a dark place today, not now anyway. I told my sister that I know that the grief won’t really shrink but that I hope that life grows bigger around it. I hope we can learn to weave it into our lives and use it to help someone else rather than trying to cut it out. Cutting it out would feel too much like forgetting the people who were so important to us. I want to use it to remind me every day that unexpected things happen. They can happen today or tomorrow. So I want to tell everyone that I love them, frequently, and I want to share the things I want them to know. I hate this thing called grief but there has to be something to salvage from it. I want to use it as fertilizer (like we use cow manure that you couldn’t use in any other way, the excrement that would otherwise be waste) to grow something worthy of being thankful for.

One Month Down…Forever to Go

Published on by God is in the OutcomeLeave a comment

June 10th, 2023

Today is the 10th. Scott left me on this earth to go to his Heavenly home on the 10th. So it’s been a month today.

Today is my nephew, Judah’s, birthday. He would have turned 15 today.

And time doesn’t make any sense. My sister said this on the night Judah died and I thought I understood what she meant but I didn’t, not fully. Now I really get it.

All at once, literally at the same time, it feels like they’ve been gone for so very long and yet I cannot believe it has been this long already.

The very first day it felt like every five minutes I would look at my watch thinking hours must have passed…but no, just another five minutes. The days have felt like they took forever to pass…and then, again, at the very same time, it felt like they were speeding by as I realized how much time we had already spent here without them.

I miss my husband. I miss his smile, his laugh. I miss him making me laugh. I miss reaching across the bed and feeling him laying there. I miss I love yous and hugs and kisses. I miss being told I am the most beautiful woman he’s ever known, inside and out. I miss being told I am the one and only true love of his life. I miss adventures. I miss dinners and breakfasts and lunches together. I miss movies and snacks together. I miss…just being together, all of the time.

I’m not stronger than I thought I was. God is still as strong as as I knew He was, thankfully. I’m 100% NOT doing this on my own. I couldn’t. I’m doing it with family, friends, and the strength that comes from Jesus. I’m doing it with the Holy Spirit whispering to my heart each day that I don’t have to do it all alone.

Later today I will go see my sister in Tallahassee. We will have dinner and watch a movie together in her living room. I’m sure we will cry. Maybe we will find something to laugh about a little. We will comfort each other and we will grieve together again.

Scott and I spent two weeks with her and my brother-in-law right before we came home for Scott’s surgery, as we were all reeling from the loss of sweet Judah. Lively, colorful, noisy, wonderful Judah. There will be hard things about going there because Scott and I were so sad together then, but he held me up through my trying to hold my family up. The last time I was there, he and I were together, inseparable, as usual, and we didn’t have any idea those would be some of the last times. And it will be Judah’s birthday. Scott and I should have been going up there together to be with Julie and Mike for this day, but now we’re not.

Don’t take the memories you are making for granted, even the sad ones. They are memories worth keeping and cherishing. I’m not going to remember how sad we were as much as I will remember how he always loved and supported me. He was always there. And now he’s not. But we had so many magnificent memories I can look back at now and smile because we were together and, for that, I am thankful.

My life was enriched by the fact that he loved me, wholly and unconditionally, and just about as perfect as it could have been for as long as I knew him. I’ll never regret one moment of that perfection. And I am thankful to know that he never had any regrets either. We only always wished we had been able to meet each other sooner and love each other longer. It’s a blessing to have had that feeling. It was a blessing to have been loved, so very much and so very well, by him. ♥️ I love you, Scott. I miss you every single moment of every single day. See you later, my love. ♥️

And time still doesn’t make sense because I don’t know how much longer that will be.

Just Keep Swimming…

Published on by God is in the OutcomeLeave a comment

June 5th, 2023

I curled my hair today.

That may not sound like much. But it is…much.

The day of Scott’s memorial service, I knew I probably 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 try to look presentable, to look pretty even. The service was for him, to say goodbye for now to him, and I should want to look beautiful for anything that was for him.

And if he were here, I so would have wanted to. If we had been honoring him for anything else, I would have taken plenty of time to get ready, dress up, hair & makeup, the whole nine yards, just because I would have been proud to be on his arm, by his side.

But that day, I just couldn’t make myself care. I remember thinking that there should be thunder and lightning outside. It should have been gray and dreary and…just sad outside. Why should I put on makeup when I knew I would cry it off? Why cover the black circles under my eyes when they only gave witness to what I felt? Why do my hair when I hoped that water would fall from the sky in torrents and somehow wind and rain would whisk me away to Oz or some sort of alternate reality where he was still alive and well and laughing? It felt pointless. I felt lost.

I’ve been to the store with, still, no makeup and a horrible pile of hair up on my head. I’ve not cared who saw me. I’ve gone on, done things that needed to be done, completed tasks that were expected of me. But I’ve done them begrudgingly, despite prayer and petition to the contrary.

Today I got up and washed my sheets. I went for a two mile walk. I took a shower and washed my hair. And then, tonight, I curled it.

I don’t want to be sad forever. Oh, I’m still very sad. Scott is everywhere I look. There are memories of him everywhere. But I want to be able to think of him one day and not be fighting off tears. I want to be able to think through happy memories and laugh like I would have if I was reminding him of those memories. And I don’t want to feel this overwhelming, heavy, dark sadness every day, forever.

I know, for a fact, that Scott wouldn’t have wanted that for me. It would make him miserable to see me as I am now, broken. And I know that God doesn’t want that for me. He promised to give me a hope and a future. It’s not the future I had planned, but if God is in the midst of it then it will still have joy one day. My future still holds a promise and the fact that I will see Scott in Heaven one day is not the only thing I should be focusing on.

I have a mission here, a God-given purpose. Somehow, I am still here for a reason.

So I curled my hair today. I tried to be a little bit of the person I usually am today. I can’t promise I’ll keep doing it all the time but I’m going to try, very hard, to remember all of the reasons I have to be thankful, grateful, happy here. And I truly do have so many.

Where there is great love, there is great loss…great grief. But I also have people who will “get in the mud” with me, as one reminded me today. People who will wait for me to be ready to climb out and then push me, pull me, let me stand on their backs to fight my way out of the muck.

And that is something to be grateful for. That is a reason to be happy. ♥️

What Matters Most in Marriage

Published on by God is in the OutcomeLeave a comment

June 5th, 2023

Mine and Scott’s marriage was short by comparison to some. Yet in the relatively short time we have known, dated, been engaged, and then married to each other, we had far more than some relationships or marriages have in many, many more years. More love, more understanding, more trust, more consideration for each other, more happiness.

Several people have messaged me or spoken to me and told me they’ve never felt love like that. Some have been married. Some never have. Some still are.

All I can tell you about how we had what we had entails very few sticking points. I’ll try.

1.) Things were not always perfect even though, overall, our relationship was perfect for us. We had disagreements. We got frustrated. We had tons of external pressures (blending families will do that). We had people fighting against our happiness (blending families sometimes does that, too, although I’m thankful we always had great support from the people who counted.) We suffered through emotional losses together. We had financial challenges. We had health challenges. Things weren’t “perfect,” but we were.

We made an agreement early on in our relationship that there was NO giving up. We agreed never to quit. When we married, we didn’t just say vows at a ceremony, we made a covenant with God and each other and we both took it very seriously. This takes NOT a 50/50 relationship. This takes the kind where each person gives 100% to each other. And while there were times when I was ornery and didn’t give 100, and times when he was stubborn and didn’t give 100, we always, always met in the middle. We chose each other, every day.

2.) We had complete trust. He never, ever let me doubt that he would never even entertain the idea of being with someone else, or talk inappropriately to anyone else. He also knew with absolute certainty that I would not. We both knew that if we gave our all to each other, we didn’t need anyone else. But it still had to be 100/100. I’ve told you that he bragged on the fact that I was the love of his life to everyone he met. He showed pictures of me, videos, talked about our adventures, was giddy when I was going to be coming to see him or when he was on his way home to me. That gave me a complete trust and comfort in his absolute loyalty. People who know me will tell you I loved being by his side and was smitten with him even still. He was my missing piece and I was his. But that’s because we both committed to never looking for other puzzles to fit into.

3.) Communication. Scott and I had different love languages. We showed and received love in different ways. That was a challenge to navigate in the beginning. What I did to show love didn’t necessarily come across as love to him. The same was true in reverse. This meant that I had to learn how to show love in a way he understood BUT also meant he had to learn to accept love sometimes in the way I would naturally give it. This was not a one-way street. Many discussions took place to find ways to meet in the middle on this. Many. Neither of us started off as great communicators but we grew into great ones together, with each other. We learned to love each other in the ways we each needed. This made us each feel like the very most important person in the other’s life. Adored, treasured, loved immensely.

4.) A cord of three strands. God was in the center of our relationship. We kept Him there. We prayed over our kids, over our finances, over our marriage, over each other’s difficulties, over sickness. And because God was in it, we were each convicted any time one of us was letting our human nature take over our emotions. If I was being ugly because I was tired or frustrated or sad over something, God let me know it straight up. And we apologized after things like that, with humility and remorse. Then we both forgave situations like that, without question, with understanding, and still, with great love. For love covers a multitude of sins.

I’m sure there are more “things” that go into it but mostly what I’m trying to say is that if two people make a decision to grow together, it is possible to have the “perfect relationship” together, while keeping these things in mind and committing to them. It cannot be one-sided; both must take part and live in agreement to the principles herein.

Don’t give up seeking a love like this. Seek for it in your own marriage if you are married. Work for it! If you’re not married, don’t settle for less just to be with 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 because you CAN have more and could be with THE ONE instead. ♥️ The difference isn’t magic; the difference is work, commitment, determination, and letting Jesus be in the middle of it all. ♥️

And all of this is why I miss him so, so very much. 💔

𝔾𝕣𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕥𝕦𝕕𝕖 and Worship in Loss

Published on by God is in the OutcomeLeave a comment

June 4th, 2023

It’s Sunday. My plan was to go to church but I had nightmares all night; I remember two of the dreams, specifically, in which other people I care about died as I watched. I’m mentally and emotionally drained and fatigued as I wake. I’ve decided to watch the service of my church online this morning.

The fellowship of corporate worship (going to church) is important. We need to surround ourselves with other believers to be reminded that we are not alone in this life and in our beliefs. When our faith feels weary and dim, those who have surrounded us in worship will pray for us and lift us up in loss. They help carry us until we can resume.

I don’t only “go to church” on Sundays. That is the day of corporate worship in our faith but, because I am a part of the Body of Christ (a body of worshippers which includes even many who attend different churches but are part of the same Body), I am wrapped in their care even when I am unable to be at a church service. Sometimes my “church service”, my worship, my prayer, is held alone in my bedroom or on a walk outside. In grief, sometimes I relish being surrounded by others and sometimes I need to be alone. So it is with spending time with God.

Rest is important, too. Without rest, it is easier to fall deeper into the blackened pit of despair. When my body, even my mind, needs rest, I try to heed that call, as well. Today I will worship from home and spend some time alone.

Today, I will focus on gratitude.

My soul is weary. It’s a weariness I cannot even describe so, for today, I will not even try. Suffice it to say that I feel “like I have nothing left”. I don’t mean that in the physical sense. I have beautiful, wonderful children and a granddaughter who just may have hung the moon. I have other loving family members and I have compassionate friends. What I mean is that it feels as if I have nothing left of myself to give. Right now, they are all giving to me (which, as a mother, causes guilt but I digress.) I feel as though I am an empty vessel with nothing left to pour out.

As I was pondering this feeling of emptiness this morning, how I have nothing left to give even if I did get up and get ready for church, God poured out some wisdom over me. I never have anything fit for a King. I am just Jennifer. I am a sinner, over and over again. What do I have that would even be worth giving to the One who so lovingly created me, who knit me together in my mother’s womb?

And so, quite instantly, two “Who Am I?” songs began to play in my mind.

The first to play was this one:

“Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way for my ever wandering heart?
Not because of who I am, but because of what You’ve done
Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who You are” (Who Am I? – Casting Crowns)

And the second song that quickly followed was this oldie-but-goodie:

“Over time You’ve healed so much in me,
And I am living proof.
That although my darkest hour had come,
Your light could still shine through.
Though at times it’s just enought to cast,
A shadow on the wall.
I am grateful that you’ve shined your light on me at all.

Who Am I,
That you would love me so gently?
Who Am I,
That you would recognize my name?
Who Am I,
That you would speak to me so softly?
Conversation with the Lord most high.
Who Am I?” (Who Am I? – Point of Grace)

And so, you see, these are both songs of gratitude because I have nothing else worthy of giving to the Lord Most High. Just gratitude. And that doesn’t have to mean I am thankful for these tragedies that have beset our lives at this time. I am not thankful today that Scott and Judah are gone from our presence while we desperately miss them. It means I am grateful for all that I have left. I am grateful that I am not Job. I am grateful because God loves me even in my darkest hour. Today, all that I have is a hallelujah.

“I’ve got one response.
I’ve got just one move.
With my arm stretched wide,
I will worship You.

So I throw up my hands
And praise You again and again
‘Cause all that I have is a hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
And I know it’s not much
But I’ve nothing else fit for a King
Except for a heart singing hallelujah.
Hallelujah.”

My mind, my soul needs rest. So I will still stay home today and God is okay with that. He just still wants to hear me worship from here. And so I will.

Shalom. God’s Peace.

Published on by God is in the OutcomeLeave a comment

June 1st, 2023

I constantly wonder how I’m managing this. Don’t get me wrong; I cry, get overwhelmed, lose it sometimes, and feel lonely in a crowded place. I miss him terribly. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will see him again. This is just one way-too-long travel assignment with no cell phone reception. But I’m going to miss him as long as I’m here. And loving him was 100% worth the pain of today and the rest of them.

But I do have peace. Not peace as the world gives, but Shalom, the peace of God, which transcends all human understanding, guards my heart and my mind in Jesus. Somehow, in a way that I can’t really even comprehend, I have peace even in my sadness. Did you know you can be very, very sad and still have peace?

I get very angry sometimes about some circumstances, but I still feel at peace over the anticipated outcome of that. I am grief-ridden, but I still have peace over the fact that God is carrying me in this storm and won’t ever leave me or forsake me. I worry through finances and what is going to happen in that regard, but I still actually have peace over it because, as I wait for answers and processes and paperwork, I know that God is in the waiting and that He has promised He will work all things together for my good because I love Him. That doesn’t mean it will be the “perfect” scenario (it can’t be because Scott can’t come back) but it will be one in which He’ll keep walking with me, keep giving me peace, keep making it work out in a way I can handle (with Him) until the day He calls me home to be with them, too.

Someone curious and well-meaning asked me, “do you think it’s just that your brain thinks he’s on a contract somewhere and that you’ll suddenly realize it’s real and really grieve then?” I thought about that for awhile because I sure hoped it wouldn’t get worse than this.

I’m really grieving now. I truly am. And it doesn’t matter to me what that looks like to other people. Grieving looks different from minute to minute. I may fall apart in front of you and start sobbing, having to walk away. I may have a full conversation with you and then have someone remind me later that you came to see me. (Yes, that has happened on more than one occasion.) I may look like poop in Walmart or I may have tried to put on makeup and brush my hair. Grief never looks the same even in one person, much less in different people. We all do it differently.

And I know that my brain doesn’t think he’s just off on contract again because literally almost 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 reminds me of him. His toothbrush is still by the sink. His slippers are still in my living room, where he left them. His cologne is on a pillow in the bedroom. Evidence of his various hobbies are all throughout the house. His truck is parked in my driveway. It’s on and on and on. And when I’m not home, every place I go has a memory of him there. My sister mentioned queso to my nephew yesterday; the last time I had queso was when Scott and I went to have Mexican food in Tallahassee about a week before he died. I went for a walk with my daughter-in-love and granddaughter today. I realized a few minutes in that I was constantly responding in conversation with “Scott would have said this…Scott used to…Scott would love that!” 𝘏𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘦. And every reminder is one that he is not just away from home, he is gone from this Earth.

So why do I have peace that lies under this cloud of grief. Peace is synonymous with tranquility or stillness in the dictionary. It doesn’t mean I’m “happy”. It doesn’t mean I’m without concerns, emotions, or grief. But it means there is a kind of tranquility, a calmness in my spirit that is only there because of the presence of Jehovah Shalom. “I am with you always; even to the end of the age.” Matt 28:20 Shalom.

Be A Wildflower

Published on by God is in the OutcomeLeave a comment

May 28th, 2023

Two years ago, I got this tattoo when I was in Miami with Scott on one of many visits while he was on contract there. The simple things, like seeing this tattoo and knowing he was sitting right by me when I was inked, those things make me so sad now and then tears come out of nowhere. It makes me scared to go out in public because I don’t want to be a reason for people to stare, especially right now. And I don’t need pity. I just need him back.

Today I’m going to try to go back to church for the first time since…well, you know.

Scott had been looking forward to getting his surgery done so that he could go to church with us again. The last two and a half months, he had been in too much pain from his injury to get ready and then to sit in straight-backed chairs for a whole service.

I don’t know if I’ll make it through a whole service today. I’m going to try. I’ve looked up what series they’re doing now and it’s not on anything like marriage so I’m hoping to make it through.

Most days I’ve gotten out of bed. Most days I’ve gotten dressed. Today I brushed my hair and put on tinted moisturizer and just a little waterproof mascara because I know I have to learn to do the normal things again without him here. Most of the time, it feels pointless since he’s not here but I can’t let my feelings determine the worth of what’s left of my life. I’m still here so God says it’s worth it. He says there is purpose in it. And because he loves me, He says that one day there will be joy and not only darkness.

There have been times I have felt worthless, as a person, but God said different. Today, I’m giving God the opportunity to say different about what time is left in my life, even if it’s a whisper. Today, I am a wildflower warrior.

***EDIT TO UPDATE: Today we sang “There’s Another in the Fire” as part of the worship music. “There’s a grace when the heart is under fire,
Another way when the walls are closing in.
And when I look at the space between
Where I used to be and this reckoning,
I know I will never be alone.

There is another in the fire
Standing next to me
There was another in the waters
Holding back the seas
And should I ever need reminding
Of how I’ve been set free
There is a cross that bears the burden
Where another died for me”

I cried. I raised my hands to praise Him in this storm. “You are who You are, no matter where I am. And every tear I cry, you hold in your hands. You’ve never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm.”

I cannot pray right now. No matter what I do, the words won’t come. But I will sing.

And I still want to just be a wildflower…actually, I guess I’ve been one for awhile.

And, just so you know a little bit about what’s “behind” the tattoo:

May 28th, 2021

I got a new tattoo.

It’s wildflowers.

Wildflowers aren’t planned; they aren’t even meant to be there.

But they still have a purpose, even if they are weeds. They are still beautiful despite what people may think because God created them just as they are.

They were already a part of His plan. And despite the struggle, they keep coming back. No matter what mows them down or plucks them up, they rise again, reaching for Heaven. Wildflowers are warriors.

Be a wildflower.

Nothing is without meaning and purpose.

May God, the source of all hope, fill you with all JOY and PEACE, by means of your FAITH in Him, so that your hope will continue to GROW by the POWER of the Holy Spirit.
~ 𝓡𝓸𝓶𝓪𝓷𝓼 15:13