June 13th, 2023

Today is going to be a better day. ⛅️

I just decided.

I confess that I cannot just 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘥𝘦 every day but, so far, this morning, I feel better.

I did a few clean-up, organizing tasks yesterday. All of them were admittedly fifteen minute tasks, or less, and I rested probably for an hour or so in between each one. I will try to do some more today.

Chaos makes us feel chaotic, doesn’t it?

I’m in between sizes of clothes right now so I cannot really get rid of any to “thin the herd”, so to speak. I’m was trying to lose weight, since January, and I was succeeding fairly well. Between Jan 1st and May 9th (four and a half months) I had lost 30 pounds. In the last thirty-four days I have lost a total of 15. This current “method” is not a weight loss plan I recommend, but it is overwhelmingly effective. So…getting rid of clothes isn’t really an option right now because I have no idea where things go from here.

In fact, the biggest problem I face of all is that I have no idea where anything goes from here. My weight. My future. My finances. My daily activities. My security. My secrets and woes and joys and fears and every day silly stories. My TikToks and text messages, the ones that I knew would make him laugh. More than once…more than several times…I’ve picked up my phone and then realized no one would answer back if I called or sent a message. Sometimes I send them anyway. And then I hear his phone buzz with an incoming message sound from his nightstand on the other side of my bed.

But I will not let the uncertainty and the sadness consume me today. Not today. I cannot just stop feeling sad but I can get up, first thing this morning, and go for a walk. Then I can go take a shower. Then I can do one of the organizing things. A small one. And I can keep handing over the weight of the loss to Jesus. Hour by hour. For His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

When Jesus talked about his yoke and burden in this passage, He was talking about the burden of self-righteousness and legalistic law-keeping. Because we cannot possibly keep up all of the laws that the Pharisees demanded without being (and feeling like) failures. Jesus only requires that we give Him our burdens (and sins) and He carries them for us. Today, I know He also means that He can carry the weight of my worries and fears so that I don’t have to. He carries them easily because He already knows what occurs on the other side of these challenges. When I hand them over to Him, it means I’m trusting Him with the outcome.

Okay, so, let’s be real about this…human real. I’m gonna give Him the worries and say (out loud) “Jesus, I trust You.” Out loud because my words carry power. Death and life are in the power of the tongue. Proverbs 18:21. And James 3:3-6 says that a small bit under the tongue of a large horse can make it go wherever you want it to go, a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever you want it to go, even when the winds are strong, and that a small spark can start a huge forest fire. Such is the power of the tongue. But I digress…(as usual.)

I’m going to say, out loud, “I trust You with this, Jesus.” And then the human part of me that wants to be sure I’ve got things “in control” is going to quietly slide it back to myself multiple times today before I reroute and give it back again. Ideally, per the “practice makes perfect” ideology, the more I give it back, the longer I’ll leave it there each time.

Few of us just drop things at the foot of the cross and leave them there, walking away whistling a happy tune. Most of us will go back multiple times (especially when God doesn’t instantly make it all better) and swipe it back (“Swiper, NO swiping!!!” – Dora the Explorer) while helplessly and fruitlessly attempting to “fix” things ourselves. But the longer we leave it and the more we do see Him “fix” it, in His timing, the more faith we gain in His process. In His omniscience. In His strength to sustain us.

Today I am focusing (as well as my brain is capable of focusing these days) on turning things over to Jesus. I’m concentrating on deliberately telling Him that I trust Him to handle all of the “I don’t knows” that are plaguing me constantly right now. I’m purposefully giving them over to Him and mentally focusing on the things I do know, the blessings I do have right now.

I am blessed and highly favored by the King of Kings. What shall man do to me when He is by my side? (The LORD is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? Psalm 118:6) ♥️